Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide
The comprehensive guide for single women interested in proactively becoming and being a mother—includes the essential tools needed to decide whether to take this step, information on how best to follow through, and insight about answering the child’s questions and needs over time.\ Choosing Single Motherhood, written by a longtime journalist and Choice Mother (a woman who chooses to conceive or adopt without a life partner), will become the indispensable tool for women looking for both...
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The comprehensive guide for single women interested in proactively becoming and being a mother—includes the essential tools needed to decide whether to take this step, information on how best to follow through, and insight about answering the child’s questions and needs over time.Choosing Single Motherhood, written by a longtime journalist and Choice Mother (a woman who chooses to conceive or adopt without a life partner), will become the indispensable tool for women looking for both support and insight. Based on extensive up-to-date research, advice from child experts and family therapists, as well as interviews with more than one hundred single women, this book explores• common questions and concerns of women facing this decision, including: Can I afford to do this? Should I wait longer to see if life turns a new corner? How do Choice Mothers handle the stress of solo parenting?• what the research says about growing up in a single-parent household • how to answer a child’s “daddy” questions • the facts about adoption, anonymous donor insemination, and finding a known donor • how the children of pioneering Choice Mothers feel about their livesWritten in a lively style that never sugarcoats or sweeps problems under the rug, Choosing Single Motherhood covers the topic clearly, concisely, and with a great deal of heart.
I was one of the lucky ones. Before I became a Choice Mom, I was oblivious to the issues that many Thinking Women face. I didn’t worry about whether I could afford it, because I had a high-paying job. I didn’t worry about whether I could handle the stress of solo parenting, because I assumed that I could handle anything. I didn’t grieve the fact that I was embarking on motherhood without a lifetime partner, because I had never been a fan of convention. So I was lucky—at the start, anyway. Ignorance can be bliss.\ Shortly after I became pregnant I started to freak out about whether I would actually like being a mother. Maybe I’d been foolish to think it was the logical next step of my life . . . maybe I was supposed to stay solo, traveling and writing and having experiences as a lone wanderer in the universe. Wouldn’t my life stop if I was locked inside four walls changing diapers and, ohmigod, actually preparing three meals a day, and helping someone else turn into a person who had experiences? Bump.\ After my daughter was born, in that first year of often lonesome, scary motherhood I discovered many moments of sadness that I wasn’t sharing her development, and mine, with someone else. My local friends were single and childless, with no real interest in being part of my motherhood journey. My family was literally a thousand miles away. I didn’t have a childhood dream of “husband, wife, and kids” to grieve, but I found myself grieving something I couldn’t even define. Bump.\ After three months of unpaid leave, I was ready to return to my well-paid job—only to learn that I was being “eliminated.” CRASH!\ Talk about a rude awakening to the realities of life. In hindsight, I’m happy I was oblivious beforehand to how much my life would change. After talking to more than 100 women about their struggles in reaching this decision—and their struggles after—I understand how lucky I was to avoid many of the typical concerns before Sophie was born. Although I had no regrets about being a Choice Mom, my hard-won lessons about the bumps in the road made it more difficult to make a decision the second time. It took about two years of inner debate before I chose Choice Motherhood again, and Dylan was born.\ Today’s Choice Mothers feel less stigma about their decision than did pioneers of the 1980s. But that doesn’t mean it’s an easy choice. Women today tend to focus less on whether having a child will be seen as “legitimate” for her and the child, and more on whether the decision itself is a legitimate one: Will I have the strength and energy to be a good mother? Do I have the financial, emotional, and support resources to pull it off? Should I wait a little longer to see if life turns a new corner? If you’re struggling with some of the typical “Should I?” conflicts, the next four chapters have been written to help you through.\ “Am I Single-Mom Material?” looks at some of the most common reasons women hesitate as they contemplate this choice.\ “Can I Afford It?” explores the number one issue of concern, finances, based on results of an informal survey I did in 2003.\ “Grieving the Childhood Dream” includes personal stories of women who came to this decision reluctantly, having dreamed for years of raising children with a lifetime partner.\ “Will My Community Accept Us?” examines the disapproval women have faced from family, friends, and other members of their local network. It also revisits the national conversation Vice President Dan Quayle launched in 1992 about Choice Motherhood when he decried the TV show Murphy Brown for mocking the importance of fathers.\ NOTE: These are very common concerns. While the material here is ultimately reassuring—so many women have addressed them and gone on to Choice Motherhood—there are many more women who have chosen not to become a single mother because of these questions. Listen closely to yourself.
Acknowledgments xIntroduction: About the Author, About the Book xiiTypical Inner Conflicts 1Am I Single-Mother Material? 5Can I handle it?Do I have the proper motivation?Is it fair to the child?Do I have enough resources to be a good single parent?Transitioning to motherhoodCan I Afford It? 22Spending habitsChildcare costs and tipsBig-ticket expensesLong-term issuesThe cost of conceptionGrieving the Childhood Dream 43Living with griefChoosing to waitGetting to the rootsWhen you keep walkingWill My Community Accept Us? 60"You are selfish"Why the opposition?Why do we care?Helping the childRevisiting the Murphy Brown vs. Quayle debateIs it Fair to the Child? 83The Impact of a Single-Parent Home 85What the research saysPortrait of a successful single parentHow Choice Moms succeedMoral parentingGrowing Up without a Father 115The skepticismTwo loving parentsBalanceGender identificationSelf-controlKids' perceptions of fathersChoosing the Method 139Known Donor: Pros and Cons 141What can go wrongWhat can go right: child's identity and medical historyQuestions to ask and understandReflections on being a known donorUsing Donor Insemination 171Alphabet soupThe ethicsOpen-identity optionWho are the donors?Choosing a donorThe processChoosing Adoption 201Thinking about age, race, special needs, contact with birth familyExpenseFinding assistanceThe home studyTransracial adoptionDay-to-Day Parenting 229Dealing with the Stress 231How to reduce stressHow do we handle it alone?The difference a partner makesTips for the caregiver's soulHaving twoAnswering the Daddy Question 259Answering what kids really want to knowBasic dos and don'tsAge-appropriate expert adviceWhen kids meet donor dadsConfronting Identity Issues 282Why it matters to the kidsTypical ages and stagesThe donor-conceived childThe adopted childThe transracial familyHow to Raise a Well-Balanced Child 313Meet the expertsThe basicsUnderstanding the childCommunityMutual respectAuthoritative parentingThe four-point game planRaising a boyThe Legacy of Choice 337Of Politics and Policy 339Who gets to try?"I was turned away five times"Who can be a donor?Taking it to courtRights around the worldChanges in adoptionWhere gays and lesbians need not applyInsuranceHow marriage policy pertainsHow Are the Kids Turning Out? 365Social developmentEffect of stigmaWill Choice Kids marry?The mothers' perspectivesStrengths and weaknessesConversations with Kyla, Greg, Cambra, Laurabeth, Ryan, Grace, ZacConclusion: Connecting the Dots 394Notes 405Resources 420
