Darwin Awards: Evolution In Action
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"Only two things are infinite-the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe." — -Albert Einstein Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, The Darwin Awards vividly portrays the finest examples of evolution in action, and shows us just how uncommon common sense can be. Marvel at the thief who steals electrical wires without shutting off the current. Gape at the lawnchair jockey who floats to a height of 16,000 feet suspended by helium balloons. Learn from the man who peers into a gasoline can using a cigarette lighter. All three — and many more — contend for Darwin Awards when their choices culminate in magnificent misadventures. These tales of trial and awe-inspiring error—verified by the author and endorsed by website readers—illustrate the ongoing saga of survival of the fittest in all its selective glory. San Francisco Weekly The Darwin Awards is a riot to read. Deeply entertaining.
The Darwin Awards: What are they?1Survival of the Fittest1Rules and Eligibility2Charles Darwin's Theory of Evolution7Uncommon Common Sense11History and Internet Culture13Advice on Reading the Stories15Chapter 1Natural Selection: Animal Misadventures17Can Animals Win Darwin Awards?17Darwin Award: In a Pig's Eye21Darwin Award: Killer Whale Rodeo23Darwin Award: Playing with Cats26Darwin Award: Hungry Python Kills Owner27Darwin Award: Poisonous Pets29Darwin Award: Snake Charmer?30Darwin Award: Burmese Python32Darwin Award: What's New, Pussycat?33Darwin Award: Wild Animal Lesson34Darwin Award: Smarter Animals36Darwin Award: Running of the Bulls37Darwin Award: Silenced by the Lambs38Darwin Award: Human Hitching Post39Honorable Mention: Nine Times a Loser41Honorable Mention: Revenge of the Gopher42Honorable Mention: Woman Disarmed by Tiger43Honorable Mention: Don't Mess with Mama Bear45Urban Legend: Man Glued to Rhino Buttocks46Personal Account: Bug Repellent48Personal Account: Why Kids Leave the Farm50Chapter 2Relatively Dangerous: A Family Affair51Children and Evolution51Darwin Award: Go, Speed Racer, Go54Darwin Award: Wife Tossing in Buenos Aires56Darwin Award: Count Your Chickens57Darwin Award: Father Knows Best58Darwin Award: Laughing Gas60Darwin Award: Murderous Affair61Darwin Award: Avoiding a Fight63Darwin Award: Maine Chainsaw Romance64Honorable Mention: Trash Compactor66Honorable Mention: Darwin Your Bratty Kids67Urban Legend: Missionary Miscalculation68Personal Account: Accidental Safe Sex69Personal Account: Wives with Chloroform70Chapter 3"I Fought the Law ...": Stupid Criminal Tricks71If Evolution Works, Why So Many Idiots?71Darwin Award: Junk Food Junkie74Darwin Award: Copper Caper75Darwin Award: Good Trumps Evil at Church76Darwin Award: Jumping Jack Cash77Darwin Award: Tired of It All78Darwin Award: Modus Operandi Misfires79Darwin Award: Restaurant Thief80Darwin Award: Dum Dum Boutique81Darwin Award: Scrap Metal Thieves82Darwin Award: Wrong Time, Wrong Place83Darwin Award: Clumsy Canadian Burglar84Darwin Award: Escaping Conviction85Darwin Award: Rob Your Neighbor86Honorable Mention: Pick Your Target88Honorable Mention: Armed and Dangerous?89Honorable Mention: Poor Sense of Direction90Honorable Mention: Airbag Weapons91Honorable Mention: Mis-Steak92Honorable Mention: Wile E. Coyote of Burglars93Honorable Mention: Limo and Latte Burglar94Honorable Mention: Spare Some Change?95Honorable Mention: Three Times a Loser96Honorable Mention: Sunny Side Up97Honorable Mention: Official Drug Test98Honorable Mention: Klutzy Crook99Personal Account: Compacted Ignorance100Personal Account: Gangster Blues102Chapter 4Up in Smoke: Fire and Explosions103Awards for Priests and Gays?103Darwin Award: Living on Zionist Time106Darwin Award: Firefighters Ignite!107Darwin Award: Igniting Fireworks the Easy Way108Darwin Award: Justice Is Served109Darwin Award: No Smoking? Ha!110Darwin Award: Dynamite and Boats Don't Mix112Darwin Award: Up in Smoke113Darwin Award: Cigarette Lighter Triggers Fatal Explosion115Darwin Award: Lights Out116Honorable Mention: Chimney Safety118Honorable Mention: I Just Flicked My Bic!119Urban Legend: Scuba Divers and Forest Fires120Urban Legend: Cow Bomb122Urban Legend: Raccoon Rocket123Urban Legend: Hydrogen Beer Disaster125Urban Legend: Cell Phone Destroys Gas Station128Personal Account: Elemental Mistake129Personal Account: Is It Loaded?130Personal Account: Final Flick of Bic131Chapter 5Leaps of Faith: Fatal Falls133John F. Kennedy Jr.133Darwin Award: Don't Drink and Fly138Darwin Award: Lawyer Aloft140Darwin Award: Stoned Sleep141Darwin Award: Homegrown Parachute142Darwin Award: Yosemite Parachute Safety145Darwin Award: Shocking Fall147Darwin Award: Bungee Jumper148Darwin Award: Bridge Bonzai149Darwin Award: One for the Birds150Personal Account: Leap of Faith151Personal Account: One, Two, Three, Heave!153Urban Legend: Misadventure at the Metallica Concert155Urban Legend: Power Plant Fitness Freak158Personal Account: Leveled160Chapter 6Military Intelligence: Uninformed Men161Historical Darwin Awards161Darwin Award: Intelligence Blunders164Darwin Award: Hanging Around Jail165Darwin Award: Peeper Plummets166Darwin Award: Dead Spitter167Darwin Award: New Dating Technique168Darwin Award: Resistance Is Futile169Darwin Award: Wait for Me!170Personal Account: Industrious Brain-Dead Private172Personal Account: 5 Soldiers, 6 Police, 0 Brains174Personal Account: Jet Ski Jock176Personal Account: North Pacific Deckpecker178Personal Account: Flack Vest Testing180Chapter 7Testosterone Poisoning: Macho Men181The Issue of Offspring181Darwin Award: JATO184Darwin Award: Fatal Footsie186Darwin Award: Guy Gulps Goldfish187Darwin Award: Dry Spell188Darwin Award: Sequined Pastie191Darwin Award: Gun Safety Training192Darwin Award: The Winner Gets ... A Postmortem193Darwin Award: I'm a Man, I Can Handle It195Darwin Award: William Tell Overture196Darwin Award: Sink the Cue Ball197Darwin Award: Repairs on the Road199Honorable Mention: Right Tool for the Right Job200Honorable Mention: Kiss Bites Back201Urban Legend: The Dog and the Jeep203Personal Account: One Cool Dude206Personal Account: Out of Their Heads209Personal Account: Round Lake Shortcut210Darwin Award: Chute Boy212Chapter 8Dangerous Liaisons: Unsafe Sex213Evolutionary Hall of Shame213Darwin Award: Love Crushed Sex215Darwin Award: Baby, You Drive Me Crazy216Darwin Award: Sex and Suffocation217Darwin Award: Fatal Flasher218Honorable Mention: Chimney Manners219Honorable Mention: Betrayal of Trussed220Urban Legend: Lightning Date222Urban Legend: Gerbil Rocket224Urban Legend: Hedonist Air Pumpers225Urban Legend: Romeo and Juliet?227Chapter 9Davey Jones' Locker: Watery Demise229Divergent Evolution229Darwin Award: Hurricane Hangover232Darwin Award: Gone Fishin'233Darwin Award: Polar Bear Swim234Darwin Award: Crappy Driving Award236Darwin Award: Can Duck Shooters Swim?237Darwin Award: Yosemite Hike239Darwin Award: Wet Will He240Darwin Award: Hard Work Rewards241Honorable Mention: Loch Ness Monster242Urban Legend: Darwin Beach Death243Personal Account: Quarry Story245Personal Account: The Iceman Exiteth248Personal Account: Rub Dub Dub, Men in a Tub249Personal Account: Surprise Flush250Personal Account: Tide-ally Impaired252Chapter 10Man's Favorite Toy: Penis Envy253Losing the Family Jewels253Honorable Mention: Zany New Zealand Contest256Honorable Mention: Mr. Happy's Vacuum258Darwin Award: Priapism Takes a Penis260Darwin Award: Man Slices Off Penis262Darwin Award: Love from the Heart264Honorable Mention: Scoutmaster Snare265Honorable Mention: Scrotum Self-Repair266Honorable Mention: Horse Drug Experiment268Urban Legend: Frog Giggin' Accident in Arkansas269Personal Account: Jump Rope Blues271Personal Account: Disco Dork273Personal Account: Bridge Bowling274Personal Account: Pissing into the Wind276Chapter 11Foolish Ingenuity: End of the Line277Evolution in Action277Honorable Mention: Lawnchair Larry280Darwin Award: The Last Supper283Darwin Award: Ultimate Price for Smelling Nice285Darwin Award: Midnight Special287Darwin Award: Deadly Reading Habits288Darwin Award: Breatharianism289Darwin Award: Roller Coaster291Darwin Award: Mental Eclipse292Darwin Award: No Bike Lane at the Airport293Darwin Award: The Bumbershoot294Darwin Award: Lemmings in a Well295Darwin Award: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow296Darwin Award: Death of Dracula298Darwin Award: The Daily Grind299Urban Legend: Christmas Roast300Urban Legend: The Laundry Was Clean ...301Urban Legend: Unfortunate Husband303Urban Legend: Overkill306Personal Account: Team Spirit307Personal Account: Cleaning the Head308Appendices309I.Website Biography309II.Darwin Haiku311III.Author Biography312Story Index313
