Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys

The Role of Guys \ in History\ Men Went to the Moon,\ but Guys Invented Mooning\ \ Guys have played an important role in history, but this role has not been\ given the attention it deserves, because nobody wrote it down. Guys are\ not conscientious about writing. Take thank-you notes. When a couple gets\ married, the bride very quickly—sometimes right after her new husband\ passes out in their honeymoon-suite hot tub—starts composing personalized\ notes thanking their wedding guests for all the lovely gifts (". . . I\ didn't know they even made a traveling case for the Salad Shooter").\ The bride will keep this up until she has written every single guest; if\ it was a really big wedding, she may still be thanking people after her\ divorce ("Aunt Esther, the meat fork is beautiful, and I expect to get\ many happy years of use from it once the surgeons extract it from Roger").\ Very few guys write thank-you notes, or any other kind of note. Guys would\ probably commit a lot more kidnappings if they weren't required to write\ ransom notes.\ \ My point is that, because guys don't write things down, they are not well\ represented in the history books. You'll find countless references to men,\ however, because men like to record every detail of their lives, for\ posterity. Alexander the Great, for example, kept a diary, so that today\ we can read, in his own handwriting, exactly what he was doing on any\ given day, as is shown by these actual excerpts:\ \ 327 B.C., Nov. 4—Cloudy today. Conquered Asia Minor.\ 324 B.C., Jan. 6—Note: Find out what "B.C." stands for.\ 323 B.C., May 17—Died at an earlyage.\ \ But what about the average guy in Alexander the Great's army? What about\ his contributions to history? Yes, it is important that Alexander extended\ the influence of such legendary Greek philosophers as Aristotle throughout\ most of the civilized world, thus significantly affecting the development\ of Western thought and culture to this very day; but is it not also\ important that, at the same time, some of his lowly foot soldiers were\ perfecting the Rubber Spear Trick, or determining that the letters in\ "Aristotle" can be rearranged to spell "A Tit Loser"?1\ That is the kind of historical guy accomplishment I'm going to explore in\ this chapter, starting with a discussion of:\ Prehistoric Guys\ \ Prehistory was a very difficult time for humans. Hostile, vicious,\ person-eating predators roamed the Earth. Disease was rampant. Mortality\ rates were horrific. The automatic bank teller was still only a dream.\ Back then the clan was the basic unit2 of society, with the roles of males\ and females clearly defined. The females cared for the young and gathered\ roots, which they would soak in water, \ 1Also "Tater Silo."\ 210 clans 5 one tribe.\ then peel, then painstakingly pound for hours between two heavy rocks, and\ finally throw away. "We may be primitive, but we're not stupid enough to\ eat roots," was their feeling.\ \ Thus the basic food-gathering responsibility fell on the shoulders of the\ males, who would go off for days at a time to hunt the mighty dinosaur.\ This was hard work. They had to dig an enormous deep hole, then disguise\ it by covering it with frail branches,3 then hide in the bushes, waiting\ for a mighty dinosaur to come along and fall into the trap. The hunters\ often waited for long periods, because, unbeknownst to them, dinosaurs had\ become extinct several million years earlier.\ \ So the males sat around a lot. Some of them eventually became fidgety and\ went on to develop agriculture, invent primitive tools,4 etc. But some\ males—these were the original guys—really liked sitting around. Eventually\ they stopped bothering to dig the hole. They'd just go out into the woods\ and sit.\ \ "It's not easy, trying to catch dinosaurs," they would tell people,\ especially their wives. "But if we don't do it, who will?"\ 3Sometimes they would also use a false beard.\ 4Such as the stone Weed Whacker.\ They never helped with the roots.\ \ Sitting around for no reason under the guise of being engaged in\ productive work was the first real guy contribution to human civilization,\ forming the underlying basis for many modern institutions and activities\ such as fishing, sales conferences, highway repair, the federal\ government, and "Customer Service."\ \ This is not to say that prehistoric guys did nothing but sit around. They\ also invented an activity that has become one of the most dominant forms\ of guy behavior, now accounting for an estimated 178 trillion guy-hours\ per year in the United States alone.5 The activity I am referring to, of\ course, is guys scratching their personal regions. And when I say\ "scratching," I am not talking about a couple of quick, discreet swipes\ with the fingernails to relieve a momentary itch. I'm talking about an\ activity that guys spend way more time and energy on than they do on, for\ example, home maintenance.\ \ Walk around any populated area and you'll see dozens, maybe hundreds, of\ guys engaged in scratching themselves. Some will try to be subtle, but\ usually once they get going they completely lose track of where they are.\ \ Before \ 5Source: Phyllis Schlafly.\ long they're rooting around in their pants using both hands, garden\ implements, etc., totally oblivious to the world around them. This can\ lead to trouble.\ \ first mate on the titanic: Sir, don't you think we should do something\ about it? Maybe change direction? Sir? Sir?\ captain: (. . . scratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratch . . .)\ One time in the 1970s I was watching a Philadelphia Phillies game on\ television, and at a key moment the Phillies' manager, Danny Ozark (who\ looked exactly like a guy named "Danny Ozark") walked to the pitcher's\ mound for a conference. Danny had his back to the camera, and his right\ hand, seemingly acting on its own, sort of moseyed around to his rear-end\ region and started exploring, really probing, looking as though maybe\ Danny had lost some vital documents in there. The hand became so energetic\ that finally even the TV announcers had to start laughing. This was a guy\ in the middle of a baseball stadium and on TV, with the game at a critical\ juncture, and still his number-one priority was scratching himself. He was\ a guy's guy, that Danny Ozark.\ \

IntroductionxiGuys vs. MenAre You a Guy?3Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient1The Role of Guys in History13Men Went to the Moon, but Guys Invented Mooning2The Biological Nature of Guys33Important Scientific Reasons Why They Act Like Jerks3The Social Development of Guys55Nature Alone Should Not Take the Rap4Tips for Women75How to Have a Relationship with a Guy5Guy Problems93The Pain. The AnguishThe Men's Room6Special Medical Concerns of the GuyOr: "It's Just a Sprain"1237Guys and Violence151The Curse of the Noogie Gene8The Domestic Side of Guys (With a Side Discussion on Orgasms)171Or: The Secret Truth About Why Guys Are Better at MathOr: Where Standards Came FromOr: Perfectly Legitimate Reasons Why a Person Might Elect to Blow His Nose on His LaundryOr: Let's Not Be So Darned Critical of Tapeworms9Guys in Action193Conclusion221The Aging Guy: Settling Down and Hurling BuicksFuture Guys of Tomorrow: Is There Hope for Humanity? (No.)Index234

\ USA TodayWhether you're a guy—or attempting to share a bathroom with one—Barry has some wacky words of wisdom for you.\ \ \ \ \ Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly\ Unlike many previous books by Miami Herald humor columnist Barry, this is not a collection of newspaper pieces but an original work that poses the question, What is a guy? Barry's guy is given neither to macho domination nor to sensitive introspection (as a mere man might be); he likes mechanical things and pointless challenges for their own sake; he has no well-defined moral code but knows how to extemporize; he fails at communicating his inner feelings (if he has any). After presenting a scientific quiz with which a male can assess his ``guyness quotient,'' the author treats the biological nature, social development, medical concerns and domestic side of guys. He even provides a chapter for the woman who is contemplating having a relationship with such a creature. The dad who receives this winning piffle for Father's Day will ask, ``What'd you give me this for?'' (if he's a guy). Author tour. (May)\ \ \ Library JournalBooks about women are published regularly throughout the year. However, books about guys (not to be confused with men) often are published just in time for Father's Day. This is because the guys who write these books suddenly remember it's time to earn a living. More likely, they are reminded by their editors (probably women) or their wives to earn a living. Barry's is an original work, not merely a collection of his columns. It's outrageously funny, fresh, and ribald. This is a real guy's book, covering the role of guys in history, their biological and social development, their medical concerns ("it's just a sprain"), and their domestic side, with a bonus essay on orgasms. [Previewed in Prepub Alert, LJ 1/95.] Comic novelist/screenwriter Friedman offers a witty but less hilarious book on the midlife travails of the slightly older guy (SOG). The SOG is concerned about enough bran, too many eggs, and when the medical profession will make up its mind about the prostate gland. This near-SOG reviewer is already uneasy with his new doctor, a mostly younger woman (MYW), whose attention is diverted annually to his prostate. Barry's book is destined to be a best seller. Friedman's may end up in the bargain bin sooner.-Joe Accardi, Northeastern Illinois Univ. Lib., Chicago\ \ \ \ \ Bill Franzen"Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys" is not a collection of previously published pieces, except for one on testosterone. It's an original work containing the zany, irreverent observations of a flippantly outrageous guy who won't stop spoofing until the nonstop yuks fracture your funny bone....he's best enjoyed in small doses; that is, after all, how he usually appears, in his Miami Herald column, which is carried by hundreds of newspapers around the country. -- New york Times\ \