Author's Note: Before I Offend You... xiTattle Dyke and Freckle Spawn 1To Deal or Not to Deal 12The Secret of the Locked Door 17Mommy's Little Lesbian 24Mommy's Little Metrosexual 36Mother Theresa Has an Active Vagina 49God Hates Fags 59You're Such a Fag 71Coital Overcompensation 80Natural Born Delinquent 98Puberty Kills 110Charter: Not a Story about Boats and Exotic Seafaring 115Home o'Phobia 135Freaks Everywhere 142The Man of My Dreams 147Not in My House, Lady 152You Might Be One, Too, Kid 156My Great, Dwindling Humanity 163Growth Through Expletives 178More Homo-Aversion Therapy with My Homeboy Jesus 191Suspecting Your Genes of Treason 206You Can't Think Yourself into Comfort 212Frat Boys Hate Fags, Too 214My Sister's Wedding 223The Afterlife 227It Never Ends 232