Help, I Can't Stop Laughing!: A Nonstop Collection of Life's Funniest Stories

Help, I Can't Stop Laughing!\ A Nonstop Collection of Life's Funniest Stories \ \ By Ann Spangler Shari MacDonald \ Zondervan\ Copyright © 2006 Ann Spangler\ All right reserved.\ ISBN: 0-310-25954-1 \ \ \ Chapter One\ \ If Image Were Everything, We'd Be in Big Trouble \ Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. - Franklin P. Jones\ I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber\ Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain\ \ Wild Mama Rachael Phillips\ \ * * *\ Sleeping in - an unknown luxury, a fairy-tale fantasy that inevitably dissolved in a shower of Cheerios and the wiggles and jiggles and messy, precious kisses of my preschoolers. Sleeping in existed in a different solar system - or perhaps in a different galaxy far, far away.\ But those thoughts evaporated as I lay in a bed I wouldn't have to make, savoring the ecstasy of a quiet - yes, quiet - sixteenth-story hotel room. My husband had already left for his conference, and I indulged in forbidden pleasures: a cup of real coffee (double cream) in bed, steaming hot from the first mellow sip to the very last; a television program in which most people already knew how to count to ten; and a long, sinful bath filled to the top, with no Mr. Bubble or rubber duckies in sight.\ After bathing, I ignored my ratty plaid bathrobe hanging on the hook. I didn't decide what to wear. Instead, I wandered around the room, carefree and content as Eve in the Garden of Eden, unhampered by diaper bags, car seats, nap times, or must-have blankies. I pondered how I would spend an entire day without children or Happy Meals. Intoxicated with my liberty, I forgot my mother's advice to always close the drapes and faced the room-sized picture windows. The panoramic view of city streets and smaller buildings far below dazzled my eyes, my soul. Embracing the endless azure sky, I sang, "I'm free! Free!"\ "Chuk-chuk-chuk-chuk-chuk!" A dragonfly the size of a sixties Cadillac suddenly hovered by the window. I hit the floor as if attacked by enemy fire, yanking the bedspread (too late!) across my naked, prostrate form. The traffic helicopter pilot waved. Then he and his mighty machine swept off to corners of the universe where other derelict mothers in need of reform might lurk.\ I pulled the blanket over my head and groaned. Mortification stuffed my throat like a giant spoonful of crunchy peanut butter. I felt a hot strawberry flush from my toes to my eyebrows. Not counting God, only my husband and my doctor had seen me in the buff; now a nameless helicopter pilot in Cleveland shared that ... er ... privilege.\ Him and who else? I grabbed my heart and my ratty plaid bathrobe and edged toward the window. Praise be. No Blue Angel precision jet formations screaming into view, scouting for the Miss Thunder Thighs competition. I closed the drapes, then donned a pair of khakis and my highest-necked sweater. I started my makeup routine. No blush needed today!\ I didn't dare turn the radio on as usual. Couldn't bear to think of that friendly pilot's nine o'clock traffic report. "Great view over the city," he'd say. "Why, I can see clear to next Tuesday. No accidents downtown, but hey, cover up - er, buckle up! - for safety, and slow down for those curves!"\ Or maybe he'd give a few cute weather tips: "Sunny, but chilly. Dress in layers. At least one."\ (Continues...)\ \ \ \ \ Excerpted from Help, I Can't Stop Laughing! by Ann Spangler Shari MacDonald Copyright © 2006 by Ann Spangler. Excerpted by permission.\ All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.\ Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. \ \

Contents Preface / 11Chapter One: If Image Were Everything, We'd Be in Big Trouble Wild Mama by Rachael Phillips / 15Maybe They're Just Young at Heart by David L. Reese / 17The Truth Hurts by Various Authors / 18Adorable, Schmorable! by Julie Ann Barnhill / 19Oh, Baby! by Rachael Phillips / 22'Pledging' Her Love by Michele Howe / 24The Spitting Preacher by Mark Lowry / 25People in Glass Houses... by Connie Pettersen / 27Chapter Two: Church Chuckles I Just Dropped Back In to Mention One Last Thing / 31by Brandon Moody Bulletin Bloopers by Anonymous / 32Fuel for Faith by Dan Clark / 34To Tell the Truth by Gracie Malone / 35Distracted by Mark Buchanan / 36What Do They Say When They're Playing 'House'? / 37by Kathleen Eakin We're More Divided Than We Thought by Anonymous / 38Church Feuds by Anonymous / 39Laughter Isn't the Only Thing That's Contagious / 40by Clara Null We Thought It Was the Holy Spirit by Harry Grob / 41'Dear Lord...' by Anonymous / 42Chapter Three: Fun with Furry and Feathered(Even Scaly and Creepy) Friends Kitty Flight by Anonymous / 45Where Did Mama Go? by Karen Scalf Linamen / 46Dogs and Cats by Anonymous / 49The Well by Anonymous / 51Rules for Cats by Anonymous / 52Unwelcome Guests by Mark Buchanan / 54The Difference between Dogs and Cats by John Ortberg / 57Dead Duck by John William Smith / 58Chapter Four: Just for Kicks and Giggles Funny Bumper Stickers by Anonymous / 63Speeding by Anonymous / 64How to Get Time Off from Work by Anonymous / 66Insurance Claims --- Short Responses by Anonymous / 67Kids and Science by Anonymous / 68Things You'd Rather Not Hear During Surgery / 69by Anonymous True Comments from Actual Employee Performance Reviews / 70by Anonymous Chapter Five: The Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Waste'Mentalpause' by Mary Pierce / 73He Could Have Just Said, 'And Now, Ladies, Praise . . .' / 79by John Ortberg A Gentle Answer by Marsha Marks / 81Living at Geriatric Junction by Barbara Johnson / 82Prayers of a Passenger by Barbara Johnson / 85Chapter Six: It's All in How You Look at It (and Laugh at It)Deception in the Perception by Gwendolyn Mitchell Diaz / 89Let's Face It by Marilyn Meberg / 91Don't Push the Button by Patsy Clairmont / 93Truck-Stop Rose by Chonda Pierce / 94Plane Perception by Dan Clark / 97If You're Happy and You Know It...by Barbara Johnson / 98Ghost Story by Anonymous / 99Chapter Seven: Kid Stuff The Toddler's Diet by Anonymous / 103Things I've Learned from My Children by Anonymous / 105Keeping Her Focus by Arnell Arntessoni / 107Alterations by Hester Jones / 108When Laughter Stings by Mark Twain / 109Are We There Yet? by Martha Bolton / 111Labor Intensive by Shirley Clutter / 113It's Been an Even Busier Week Than He Thought / 114by Stella Ward Whitlock Side by Side by Sharon K. / 115Church Kids by Various Authors / 116Chapter Eight: Dad's a Hoot!Laughing Matters by Phil Callaway / 121The Car of My Schemes by Dave Meurer / 122While You Were Away by Anonymous / 125Alien Impostor Boys by Dave Meurer / 126Like Father, Like Son by Reverend Ronald B. Hughes / 130What a Character! by Dave Meurer / 131Easy-to-Clobber by John Ortberg / 133Too Many Questions by Brenda Nixon / 134Chapter Nine: Mom's Always Good for a Laugh Pick Your Battles . . . Veeery Carefully by Julie Ann Barnhill / 137A Mother-Mortification Moment by Marti Attoun / 138Sprinkles of Grace by Carol Kuykendall / 140Heir-Conditioning by Barbara Johnson / 142Check, Please! by Marti Attoun / 144The Strong-Willed Mother by Kim Wier / 146Attention, Children: The Bathroom Door Is Closed! / 148by Becky Freeman Injured Innocence by Mark Twain / 149A Mother Can't Help Worrying by Mark Twain / 150Chapter Ten: Adventures in Matrimony Nuptial Humor by Various Authors / 153Mom's Last Laugh by Robin Lee Shope / 157Get on Your Trike and Ride by Ken Davis / 159Chapter Eleven: Laughter: The Secret to a Good Marriage Oops! by William Ritner / 163She's Got Her Bases Covered by Dan Clark / 164Five Golden Decades...Give or Take a Day or Two / 165by Ursula Turner Time to Listen by Phil Callaway / 166A Sweet Way to Celebrate by Angel McKay / 167The Truth and Nothing But the Truth by Dan Clark / 168Nice Try by Margaret Gunn / 169Didn't I Tell You? by Dave Meurer / 170Chapter Twelve: It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time . . .But Doesn't Everyone Call Them 'Father'? by George Burns / 177The Attic Fiasco by Nancy Kennedy / 178Pinching People to Jesus by Marsha Marks / 181The Holy Terrors by Rachael Phillips / 183Someone Needs a Time-Out by John Ortberg / 186Good Knight! by George Burns / 188Chapter Thirteen: Did I Just Do That?Lost and Found by Marsha Marks / 191The Roar of Laughter by Susan Duke / 192Embarrassment --- Life's Natural Blush by Becky Freeman / 194What Did You Say? by Gracie Malone / 197Chapter Fourteen: More Fun with Y Chromosomes Quiet Humor by Marsha Marks / 201Husbandisms by Various Authors / 202It Pays to Know Your Scripture by Janice Walsh / 203The Object of His Affection by Barbara Johnson / 204Oh, Crumb, He's Watching the Food Network Again / 205by Marti Attoun One of Those Days by Gracie Malone / 207You're Never Fully Dressed without a Smile . . . and Earrings! / 210by Sue Buchanan Chapter Fifteen: A Laugh a Day Keeps the Doctor Away The Hematoma by Marsha Marks / 213Nightmare in Second Grade by Phil Callaway / 215What Heaven Is Like by Anonymous / 218Give the Lord a Challenge in the Rapture by Mark Lowry / 219Nickels and Dimes by Anonymous / 221Laugh Away the Calories by Barbara Johnson / 222Chapter Sixteen: Can't Stop Laughing The Year's Best Headlines by Anonymous / 225Over the Hill So Soon? by James Rahtjen / 227Stick with Me, Lord! by Barbara Johnson / 228Fun with Phones, Part I: Top Ten Ways to Harass a Telemarketer / 229by Anonymous Fun with Phones, Part II: The Telemarketing Cure / 231by Phil Callaway In-Flight Announcements by Anonymous / 232Chapter Seventeen: Laughing All the Way Pie in the Sky by Luci Swindoll / 237Unmasked! by Patsy Clairmont / 238Well, That's One Explanation . . . by Mae H. Fortson / 239Da Big Chair by Kim Bolton with Chris Wave / 240A 'Dee Dah Day' by John Ortberg / 242Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due by Lauri Johnson / 243Credits / 245