Here Speeching American: A Very Strange Guide to English as It Is Garbled Around the World

Chapter 1\ Air Travel\ Your trip abroad often begins before you set foot in your destination country. We are speaking, of course, of foreign airlines. What better way to immediately get to know the people and the culture, and to get a glimpse of the fun times you’ll soon be having, than flying on your host country’s national carrier?\ The first impression you’ll get of the country you’ll be visiting is from your flight crew. They are carefully selected to be the perfect ambassadors.\ Duck feet? You’re out. Pigeon toes? Out! Bowlegs, pimples, warts, moles, dark skin, scars, bad breath? Out! . . . [And] they must be virgins.\ Hao Yu-ping, director of flight attendant school at China Air, describing the airline’s requirements for flight attendants\ The stewardesses of Southwest Airlines must go through four steps, such as hardship, tiredment, dirt feeling. Beside the quality of general stewardess.\ from the first edition of Chinese airline Southwest Civil Aviation’s Inflight Magazing [sic]\ And they’re trained to give you exceptional—even exotic—service.\ Sir would you like some sauce on your balls?\ Singapore Airlines stewardess, quoted in Singapore newspaper\ The crew will want to make your flight as comfortable and safe as possible, so read the helpful material in the seat pocket—and be assured of a relaxing, worry-free trip.\ Bags to be use in case of sickness of to gather\ remains.\ slogan on a Spanish airline’s airsickness bag\ And an itch-free trip too!\ Dear Passenger,\ Wish you have a joyful journey!\ When you are in public talking and laughing and drinking and singing . . . living a happy life, suddenly you feel some part of your body is too itchy to endure. How embarrassed! Please dial fax 01-491-0253, you will gain an unexpected result.\ Air China brochure\ You may want to read the specifics of your flight for further reassurance.\ International Fright Information\ airline timetable, China Airlines in-flight magazine\ Maximum cruising fright level\ in-flight magazine, China Eastern Airlines\ So settle back and dip into that in-flight magazine. What a wonderful way to begin your vacation!\ Enjoy French odor in the South Pacific.\ from a French airline (UTA) and government of New Caledonia ad\ We’d like to offer our affection as a gift by the white bird on sky to every genuinely go the same may together with you. This is our only requite to you.\ dedication, Xiamen Airlines in-flight magazine, China\ Take this opportunity to read about the sights you’ll soon be be seeing.\ Situated in the monsoon tropical zone, though the year covered with luxuriant vegetations, the land of Dai La by the Red River is “printed the forms of sitting tiger and winding dragon. . . . looking all over Vietnamese country, that’s land of scenic beauty, an important metropolistes indeed for four directions to gatter and the first rank of city merined to be regarded as Capital forever.”\ in-flight magazine, Vietnam\ Incest sticks hang from the ceil-\ ing of a Taoist temple.\ Morning Calm, in-flight\ magazine, Korean Air\ What an informative and exotic learning experience! And get ready for an exotic eating experience too! We’re not talking little foil packets of Planters Peanuts . . .\ Fduhy Sesane\ China Airlines (CAAC) snack food\ We will now be serving snakes.\ Singapore Airlines stewardess,\ quoted in Singapore newspaper\ Near the end of the flight, you’ll often be handed an immigration card. It’s times like these you may find yourself wishing you’d paid more attention in eighth-grade French (not to mention Chinese).\ Fill in the card clearly in the following languages: Chinese, English, French and Spanish. Japanese names shall be filled in Rome alphabet.\ instructions on immigration form, China\ And remember any special instructions about disembarking you may have received.\ Upon arrival at Kimpo and Kimahie Airport, please Wear your Clothes.\ on invitation to dedication ceremony from a Korean steel mill\ in the airport\ A foreign airport can be intimidating, but your hosts will do their best to make you feel completely at home.\ Welcome To A Great Stage Where\ Wings of the World Gather, Flap,\ and Fly skyward\ from a guide to Narita\ Airport, Japan\ Speaking of flapping, you’ll see many ads for exciting overseas airlines that might induce you to book another flight immediately.\ AEROFLOT: Introducing wide boiled aircraft for your comfort . . .\ ad for Soviet (Russian) airline\ Akita to Okinawa\ Non-Stop Fright\ from ad for JAS airline, Japan\ Air Vietnam: The most experimental airline\ slogan in 1960\ Malaysia Airline. From Kuala Lumpur to Kuala Lumpur. Fair: 7,760 baht; US $310.\ ad in Chiangmai Guidelines, Lao Aviation, Laos\ Of course, the airport will offer the same efficiency you’re used to at home.\ Irregular Flight Service\ sign in Xian Airport, China\ This Way Please\ sign at Malé International Airport, Maldives\ But airport services may be a bit more exotic.\ Shoe sunshine\ sign at shoeshine stand, Osaka Airport, Japan\ Make Tsogt Chandmani Currency Exchange your choice and take the advantage and the flavour with you.\ slogan of currency exchange, Mongolia\ Air India Passengers for Your Reading Pleasure\ sign in airport, Bombay\ Don’t be too surprised if your Louis Vuitton isn’t on the baggage carousel . . .\ We take your bags and send them\ in all directions.\ sign in an airline ticket office,\ Copenhagen\ A little anticipation seems to be the rule of the day at some airports.\ Passengers expecting mishandled baggage should obtain landing certificate from customs.\ Government of India disembarkation card given to passengers upon arrival in New Delhi’s airport\ Payment Before Ordering\ sign at restaurant in Ben\ Gurion Airport, Israel\ Or sometimes not . . .\ Buy ticket after normal time.\ Flying off forward 30 mm transact\ stand-by ticket window in Wuhan, China, airport\ Then it’s on to customs. Entering a country can be a tad tricky . . .\ Objects must be declared. If there isn’t any object mark “X” only at the quantity “Yes” column and if there are any objects, cross out letter “No” and at the same row write exact amount of weight of these objects in words or in figures.\ customs form, which also warns sternly against “giving false declaration or having the action of tricking,” Vietnam\ . . . or, for that matter, leaving . . .\ DISTINGUISHED VISITOR:\ It is known that all the turistic services in Mallorca are maintaining a correct relation price quality, but even though, we wish to prize the establishments and services that to the opinion of our visitors, surpass notoriously for their quality.\ To be able to fill out these questionnaires you must write the name of this establishment, installation or turistic service, as is shown below, and you must give a punctuation between 6 and 10 points hoping that the service that you must punctuate has been the best in the relation price-quality.\ sign urging travelers to fill out questionnaires in a Mallorca airport, Spain\ A few quick words about airport security, which is on everyone’s mind these days. Security standards differ from country to country. Emotional people and rodent-lovers in particular, take note.\ X Rat Check\ sign in Taiwan airport\ Please stand on your turn.\ For the safety of the passenger\ it is prohibited to carry the dangerous things\ in their hand bags of passenger.\ eThe hand bag\ eDangerous things as gasses and passions\ sign in Kabul International Airport, Afghanistan\ Lodging\ A fine hotel in a foreign land should be a wonderful “home away from home.” It’s a place to relax after hectic days of sightseeing or business, a place to reenergize and regroup. As such, it is wise to select a hotel that meets your specific needs. This should be no problem whatsoever. There is a wide range of hotels designed for different types of tourists, from go-getters to . . . well . . . let’s just say, other types of travelers.\ Hotel de Bastard\ Lectoure, France\ Aggressive Hotels\ hotel chain, Cambodia\ City Hotel &\ Nut Club\ sign on hotel, Japan\ Because of the myriad of choices, you’ll find hotel companies bending over backward to assure you, the English-speaking visitor, that their hotel is the right one for\ you.\ Be prepared for a nerve-racking experience.\ An outrageous rip-off on food and drinks\ and hotel rates.\ Lexus Clan hotel ad, The Manila\ Bulletin, Philippines\ bath in room, pavements in cooked\ travel pamphlet, Sicily\ We Serve you with Hostiality.\ from the Fu Hua and East Lake Hotels, Guangdong, China\ Who among us can fail to be excited by such claims?\ Always inquire beforehand about special rates or\ promotional programs. Room rates may include breakfast . . . or other things.\ Special Room Rats in August\ flyer from the Man Po Boutique Hotel, Shanghai\ There is, however, a good chance you’ll decide to pay less and forgo any special “extras.”\ European Plan\ Measles not included in Room Charge\ hotel rate card, Seoul\ Regardless of the hotel you choose, you will almost certainly be touched by the efforts of the helpful staff to communicate in your own tongue. Signs, brochures, pamphlets—these are all designed to make you feel right at home, almost as if you hadn’t left the States at all.\ The manager has personally passed all the water served here.\ sign in a hotel, Acapulco\ Invisible service is available for your rest being not disturbed.\ notice in Yuanfei Hotel, Weifang, China\ Harold Tribune is available at lobby paper rack.\ handout to guests at the Airport Garden Hotel, Seeduwa, Sri Lanka\ To get the best service possible, it is wise to make the right first impression. Abide by the management’s requests you’ll see posted in the lobby. These are usually extremely straightforward.\ Good appearance please. No\ watermelon please.\ sign in lobby of Fragrant\ Hills Hotel, Beijing\ At the Cashier’s counter kindly note that personal cheese are not accepted.\ helpful hint included in Imperial Samui Hotel guidebook, Thailand\ No entries in upper clothes\ Distik Hotel, Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan\ Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.\ sign in ski hotel, Austria\ Guests are prohibited from walking around in the lobby in large groups in the nude.\ sign in hotel lobby, Havana\ Some hotels are rather liberal when it comes to rules . . .\ Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.\ sign in hotel, Zurich\ Now it’s onto the elevator and up to your room . . .\ perhaps.\ To move the [elevator] cabin, push button of the wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press the number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by natural order. Button retaining pressed position shows received command for visiting station.\ hotel elevator directions, Madrid\ The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.\ sign in hotel lobby, Bucharest, Romania\ Your hotel room will have all the amenities you expect . . . and some you won’t.\ SHOWER CATCOME\ NEEDLE WOKE DAG\ items provided in the Wesun Hotel, Wuhan, China\ Plus a plethora of extremely helpful hints for getting as comfortable as possible.\ Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.\ from an information booklet about hotel air conditioner, Japan\ If you wish, you may open the window.\ Do not open the Window.\ sign on window, Westin Chosun Hotel, Seoul\ To speak to a guest in another room: Please follow these instructions: 1st Floor—add 250 to the room number and dial, on the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Floors—dial the number required. 5th Floor—subtract 250 from the room number and dial, e.g. to contact Room 510 dial 260 EXCEPT for Room 542 whose number is 294.\ telephone instructions, Zimbabwe Sun Hotel\ Please maintain temperature at 1 degree from 25, any higher or lower will only make the room hotter or colder.\ sign, Taipan Hotel, Bangkok\ No in the room\ sign in Sri Racha resort, Thailand\ Some rooms come with special features (or should we say “featules”?).\ auto rock\ lock on hotel door, Japan\ Others, special services.\ Please dial 7 to retrieve your auto from the garbage.\ instructions on hotel-room phone, Rome\ Take a second to look at emergency instructions (usually posted on your room door). You’ll know just what to do if the worst happens.\ When emergency, cover your mouse with your handkerchief.\ sign in hotel, Japan\ No smoking in bed. If it’s on fire the guests should be disperse according to the safety way.\ sign in room, Andingmen Hotel, Beijing\ You might want to take a few minutes to refresh yourself after your plane trip. Pop into your bathroom and turn up the volume!\ Volume On. Squelch. Please dial to shut whenever you want to.\ labels above faucets in hotel bathroom, Japan\ Voltage is 220 V but the use of the electric i rous or telt les is not permitted.\ hotel brochure, Yugoslavia\ Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.\ sign in hotel, Tokyo\ You’ll find that standards of cleanliness are often remarkably thorough.\ Toilet was Cleaned and Spayed.\ sign in hotel, Hue, Vietnam\ And the complimentary toiletries are often quite enthusiastic!\ The toothbrush is an indispensible part of enjoying life. I brush my teeth every day. I have a wonderful time. I like my toothbrush. I was won’t to get up early.\ wrapper on complimentary hotel toothbrush, Japan\ Gives you strong mouth and refreshing wind!\ claim on hotel toothpaste wrapper, Japan\ You might want to take advantage of the hotel laundry service. These tend to be extremely versatile. You might be pleasantly surprised at the variety of items they’ll clean—and so quickly too!\ LAUNDRY BAG\ 19: Skirt\ 20: Stocking\ 21: Hand Kerchief\ 22: Big Towel\ 23: Small Towel\ 24: Hat\ 25: Shoes\ 26: Tie\ 27: Price of Ironing\ 28: Car with 12 to 15 seats\ 29: Car with 4 seats\ laundry-bag list from Cam Do Hotel, Dalat, Vietnam\ The flattening of underwear with plessure is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straight away.\ in hotel brochure, Brno, Czech Republic\ Feel free to use the hotel’s or resort’s recreational facilities, gift shops, or restaurants. You will note many exciting suggestions in the literature at the concierge’s desk, or posted in common areas.\ For schedube and programmes of theaters as well as the tickets for all the types of performances, please, consult (he hall parter).\ hotel brochure, Yugoslavia\ Take one of our horse-driven city tours—we guarantee no miscarriages.\ sign at in-hotel tourist agency, Czech Republic\ Hotel pools are a wonderful treat and something you’ll surely want to enjoy. Just remember that safety is de rigueur!\ No Diving.\ No Nakedness.\ No Ruining.\ sign at hotel pool, Istanbul\ SWIMMING POOL SUGGESTIONS\ Open 24 hours. Lifeguard on duty 8AM to 8PM Drowning absolutely prohibited.\ sign at Plantation Bay Resort, Philippines\ Swimming is forbidden in the absence of the\ savior.\ sign by hotel swimming pool, France\ Some hotels even offer more specialized swimming or bathing facilities (especially a plus for aviculturists).\ Third Floor: Turkey Bath\ sign at Hotel Palace, Seoul\ And you’ll often find truly fine dining in the hotel itself. We guarantee that you won’t be able to skip those meals!\ Compulsory Buffet Breakfast\ sign at Melia Hanoi Hotel, Vietnam\ A La Crate Menu\ menu in the Pool Terrace (Over Looking the Sea), Sri Lanka Lavinia Hotel\ Tasty Tacos and Beautiful Tarts are the order of the day.\ from promotional letter for guests of the Caravelle Hotel, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam\ A quick word about monetary matters: Some hotels prefer payment up front, others weekly; others have somewhat different time frames in mind.

About This BookxiIntroductionxiiiAir Travel3In the Airport8Lodging13Sightseeing27Zoos and National Parks32Museums and Historic Sites35Other Sites37Rest Rooms, or "When the Need Strikes"38Culture and the Arts41Film44Music49Sports and Games57Visiting Embassies Overseas63Getting Around: Public Transportation67Getting Around: Driving73Shopping83Shopping for Clothing and Accessories95Pampering Yourself: Visiting Beauty Shops and Spas107Dining Out113Nightlife127Police135Learning the Local Language139Writing Home145Holidays and Special Events149In Case of Emergency155The Business Traveler163Government Agencies and Officials181The Local Media185So You're Planning to Live Overseas193Shopping for Essentials197Traveling with Children213Travel Etiquette221