Imperfect Endings: A Daughter's Tale of Life and Death
• Wrenching, provocative, and surprisingly funny: After twenty years of living with terminal illness, Zoe’s mother decided to end her life—and asked her three daughters for their assistance. For months, the decision drags on as her mother changes her methods and schedule, and the negotiations stir up old memories, sibling rivalries, and questions about family loyalty. Eventually there is compromise and courage and Zoe’s mother has her happy — if imperfect — ending..\ • A controversial...
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Zoe Carter's busy life on the West Coast with her husband and daughters takes an unexpected detour when her glamorous, independent-minded mother, Margaret, decides she wants to "end things." Tired of living with Parkinson's disease, Margaret declares she is no longer willing to go where the illness is taking her. Unsure how -- or when -- she will end her life, she is certain of one thing: she wants her three daughters there when she does it. Stunned by the prospect of losing her mother and concerned about the legal ramifications of participating in her suicide, Zoe does what she can to convince her mother to abandon her plans. But for nearly a year, Margaret will talk of nothing else. Calling Zoe at random times of the day, she blithely asks which would be better: overdosing on morphine or Seconal? Getting help from the Hemlock Society or doing it on her own? And when would be a good time -- February or May? Or how about June? Shuttling between her family in California and her mother's house in Washington, D.C., Zoe finds herself increasingly drawn into her mother's "exit plans." She helps Margaret procure a lethal dose of drugs from a local psychiatrist and endures a bizarrely funny encounter with Bud, the Hemlock Society's "Caring Friend" who seems a little too eager to help Margaret kill herself. Anxious to maintain her role as "the good daughter," Zoe finds herself in conflict with her older sisters, both of whom have difficult histories with their mother. As the three women negotiate over whether or not they should support Margaret's choice and who should be there at the end, their discussions stir up old alliances and animosities, along with memories of a childhood dominated by their elegant mother and philandering father. Capturing the stresses and the joys of the "sandwich generation" while bringing a provocative new perspective to the assisted suicide debate, Imperfect Endings is the uplifting story of a woman determined to die on her own terms and the family who has to learn to let her go. Publishers Weekly A deceptively cheery tale about her mother’s plans to end her own life underscores the author’s conflicted role in filial caring and responsibility. Carter’s mother, a widow living in Washington, D.C., had suffered from Parkinson’s disease for more than 20 years, and by 2001 had grown debilitated and depressed about her physical helplessness; she had joined the Hemlock Society and was actively making plans to kill herself, to the consternation of her three daughters. Carter, who is the youngest of the sisters, living in San Francisco with her husband and two small children, seemed the closest emotionally to her mother, and flew back and forth to accommodate her erratic schedule at “ending things.” Armed with a lethal supply of Seconal and morphine, the mother nevertheless vacillated about what to do, as her daughters (and their partners) debated the effectiveness and legal ramifications of her assisted suicide, even suggesting she was being manipulative and controlling. Although there are poignant memories of childhood and early family life, this memoir perhaps unavoidably dwells on the author’s needs and wishes, rather than the mother’s. In the end, the family rallied around her painful decision, and though Carter attempts to preserve her mother’s dying dignity, her account frequently jars, with its grimly glib celebratory tone. (Mar.)
Imperfect Endings\ A Daughter's Tale of Life and Death \ \ By Zoe FitzGerald Carter \ Simon & Schuster\ Copyright © 2010 Zoe FitzGerald Carter\ All right reserved.\ ISBN: 9781439148242 \ \ \ View\ \ \ \ JANUARY 2001\ \ I don?t have to answer the phone. On my knees in the bathroom, daughters just settled into the tub, I have the perfect excuse to ignore it. Let the machine pick it up instead. But I push off my knees and head for the door, my brain several steps behind my body as it usually is by this time of day.\ \ Only then do I pause, reluctant to leave the steamy warmth of the bathroom, the giddiness of my naked children who are lolling at one end of the tub, pouring water on each other. At four and eight, Lane and Clara are hardly at risk for drowning, but I remind them to be careful?keep the water in the tub, hold off on the shampoo?and step out into the bedroom.\ \ Shading my eyes from the blinding late-day sun, I cross the room, glancing out at the glimmering strip of the San Francisco Bay and, just beyond it, the hazy outline of the Golden Gate. Four years on the West Coast and this view of water and sky still thrills me.\ \ I pick up the phone, annoyed with myself for answering it, sure it?s someone calling to either sell me something or beg something from me.\ \ ?Oh, there you are! Have I caught you at a bad time?? It?s my mother. Her voice sounds cheerful and a little excited, as if she has good news. ?I was just looking at my calendar and wondering if you could come to D.C. the first weekend of February.?\ \ ?I?m not sure. I?ll have to check. What?s up?? I drop onto the bed, heart beginning to clamor. I know what?s up.\ \ ?Well gosh, honey, I?ve been trying to find a good time to end things as you know, and I was hoping that weekend might work for you. I haven?t called your sisters yet, but of course I want them here too. And your girls if you can bring them. I?m still working out the details, but??\ \ ?Jesus, Momma,? I hiss, cupping my hand over my mouth so Clara and Lane can?t hear me. ?You make it sound like a family reunion!?\ \ ?Well, there?s no reason to get huffy, Zoe,? she says. ?I can?t plan anything unless I know you girls are available. Can you just take a quick peek at your calendar??\ \ ?No, I can?t! I?m in the middle of giving my kids a bath, I don?t have my calendar, and I can?t think about this right now.?\ \ ?Fine.? Her irritation is palpable and for a moment there is silence. ?So when can you call me back??\ \ I want to say never. I will never call her back if she insists on talking about killing herself. But I think of her lying alone in her big empty bed, of her dying alone because her daughters weren?t willing to show up, and my petulance turns to shame.\ \ ?I?ll call you tomorrow.?\ \ ?Okay, sweetie.? Her voice is cheerful again. ?That would be great. Talk to you then!?\ \ I stand up and look out the window, the sounds of splashing and laughter faint in the background, as if my daughters?or, for that matter, my entire life?had just receded into the distance. I watch the last burning rays of sunlight disappear behind Mount Tamalpais, the vast, glorious landscape slowly turning from gold to gray.\ \ ? 2010 Zoe FitzGerald Carter\ \ \ Continues... \ \ \ \ Excerpted from Imperfect Endings by Zoe FitzGerald Carter Copyright © 2010 by Zoe FitzGerald Carter. Excerpted by permission.\ All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.\ Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. \ \
\ From Barnes & NobleIn today's era of fluid morality, is it right for a mother to ask her grown children to support her decision to end her life? To be at her side at the moment she's chosen? With inspiring honesty and fortitude, Carter explores this complex issue. Her mother, Margaret, suffered with various ailments (including Parkinson's) for more than a quarter of a century. \ Always her mother's favorite, Zoe, married and a mother of two, wrestles with grief at letting her mother go, as well as with rage and frustration as her mother repeatedly changes the date of her demise and the means of her exit. Does Margaret really want to die? Or is her behavior simply a bid for attention? What role is expected of Zoe and her two sisters, as well as their spouses and children, in this final act?\ In Imperfect Endings, Carter comes to see her mother as a woman of steadfast courage who struggled to create a meaningful life, and that her decision to die is merely a part of the life she chose. Processing her own grief, Carter finds an unexpected resilience. With humor, candor, and clarity, she lays out an engrossing tale of a sympathetic family that, in the face of profound loss, taps into remarkable reserves of love and fortitude.\ Carter's depiction of her own life-and-death drama may well serve as a guide for families facing similar challenges.\ "Wise and moving." —Julie Metz, author of Perfection\ \ \ \ \ \ Publishers WeeklyA deceptively cheery tale about her mother’s plans to end her own life underscores the author’s conflicted role in filial caring and responsibility. Carter’s mother, a widow living in Washington, D.C., had suffered from Parkinson’s disease for more than 20 years, and by 2001 had grown debilitated and depressed about her physical helplessness; she had joined the Hemlock Society and was actively making plans to kill herself, to the consternation of her three daughters. Carter, who is the youngest of the sisters, living in San Francisco with her husband and two small children, seemed the closest emotionally to her mother, and flew back and forth to accommodate her erratic schedule at “ending things.” Armed with a lethal supply of Seconal and morphine, the mother nevertheless vacillated about what to do, as her daughters (and their partners) debated the effectiveness and legal ramifications of her assisted suicide, even suggesting she was being manipulative and controlling. Although there are poignant memories of childhood and early family life, this memoir perhaps unavoidably dwells on the author’s needs and wishes, rather than the mother’s. In the end, the family rallied around her painful decision, and though Carter attempts to preserve her mother’s dying dignity, her account frequently jars, with its grimly glib celebratory tone. (Mar.)\ \ \ Kirkus ReviewsA poignant memoir of a daughter's struggle to accept her mother's death. In 2000, Carter's 75-year-old mother began exploring the possibility of assisted suicide. Having suffered from Parkinson's disease for 20 years, she didn't want to face the reality of increasing incapacity. The author explores her own grief and anger as she tried to understand and support the decision. She felt betrayed by her mother's casual attitude and her unwillingness to consider her daughter's pain. When she phoned to set the date-"I've been trying to find a good time to end things . . . I was hoping that weekend might work for you"-Carter reluctantly left her husband and two young daughters in San Francisco and arrived in Washington, D.C., on the appointed date, only to learn that her mother had changed her mind. This pattern of vacillation continued for months, as her mother tried to decide how she wanted to die. She demanded that her three daughters be on hand to assist her suicide, despite their unwillingness. Not only did they find it difficult to accept her eagerness to die, but they feared being prosecuted for an illegal act. With a journalistic flair to her prose, Carter chronicles the months from January 2001 until her mother's death in July, as well as events in her earlier life. She memorably examines the complex dynamics within her dysfunctional family, including the rivalries and bonds between the sisters. Wishing she could stay away, she thought of her mother dying "alone in her big empty bed," and her "petulance turn[ed] to shame."Carter comes to a deeper, more compassionate understanding of her mother's life, and she is ultimately able to surmount her grief and affirm her mother's decision.Agent: Flip Brophy/Sterling Lord Literistic\ \
