Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette, or, How to Get to Heaven or Hell without Going through Dallas-Fort Worth
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Delivering belly laughs, hee-haws, and downright slackjaw amazement, this hilarious guide to the homeland of George W. and Willie Nelson is the essential how-to for surviving in the Lone Star State. From strange Texas laws and the history of Dr Pepper to "Texas Talk" (in which a "turd floater" is a heavy downpour) and final-meal requests by death row inmates, Kinky Friedman, "the oldest living Jew in Texas who doesn't own any real estate," provides...
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Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Delivering belly laughs, hee-haws, and downright slackjaw amazement, this hilarious guide to the homeland of George W. and Willie Nelson is the essential how-to for surviving in the Lone Star State. From strange Texas laws and the history of Dr. Pepper to "Texas Talk" (in which a "turd floater" is a heavy downpour) and final-meal requests by death row inmates, Kinky Friedman, "the oldest living Jew in Texas who doesn't own any real estate," provides an insider's guide that will be loved by native Texans and the rest of us poor devils alike.Even if you don't know the difference between an Aggie and an armadillo — or what's really in the back on Willie Nelson's tour bus — you can pass for a Texan with the Kinkster's expert coaching. So grab your hairspray and the keys to the Cadillac and get reading!
Chapter OneThings You Would Never Hear a Real Texan SayI think that song needs more French horn.Is that tuna dolphin-safe?The tires on that truck are too big.There's no place in my home for obscenity!I believe the proper word is "African-American."I'll have the decaf latte, please.William Robert, you appall me.This red wine has a rather cheeky bouquet.I've got two cases of Perrier for the Super Bowl.Fried pig rinds are disgusting.You're watching football? Change the channel — Oprah is on!Will you go ahead with a home birth if the baby arrives in Paris?Duct tape won't fix that.Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.We don't keep firearms in this house.You can't feed that to the dog.I thought Graceland was tacky.No kids in the back of the pickup; it's just not safe.Wrestling is not real.Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette. Copyright © by Kinky Friedman. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
AcknowledgmentsxiiiA Big Howdy from Kinky the Friendly CowboyxvThings You Would Never Hear a Real Texan Say1Big Hair for Jesus2Legend of the Texas Bluebonnet5Redneck, Good OI' Boy, or Oilman: Which Kind of Texan Are You?7Hometown Heroes10Guide to Texas Etiquette13How Big Is Texas?23Actual Quotes from Actual Texas Politicians24Things That Make You Go "Hmmmm"27All Politics Is Yokel29Advice to Anyone Moving to Texas33Famous Texans Not from Texas37Seen on Texas Bumper Stickers39How Texas Got Its Lone Star40Always Hold the Door for a Lady Sheriff41Rich Texas Oilmen48Texas A&M Football and the Twelfth Man Tradition49Written Test for Police50Eddie Childs50A Riddle51You Know You're in Texas When ...52Texas Talk53The Train Track Children55Coming of Age in Texas57More Hometown Heroes61How to Spot a Texan Abroad62Armadillo Fast Fact File65Prisoner-of-War Camps in Texas67Digging the Roots of Texas Music69Strange Texas Laws84Final Meal Requests by Texas Death Row Inmates86Texas Murderers88May All Your Juries Be Well-Hung91Texas Is the Only State112Tall Tales113Famous Texans with Mutant Genitalia114History of Dr Pepper114Aggie Jokes117Little-Known Facts About the Alamo and Her Defenders119The Alamo: John Wayne's Classic Movie121After the Alamo122The Texas Chicken Ranch122Strange Sports Mascots in Texas124The Back of the Bus127Everybody Is Somebody in Luckenbach136The Texas Celebrity High School Football Hall of Fame137Chili, the State Dish138Texas Weather140Shoshone the Magic Pony143The Yellow Rose of Texas147Teneha, Timpson, Bobo, and Blair148The Congress Avenue Bridge Bats148The Most Famous Texas Horned Toad150Chuck Wagon Cooking151Drawing from Experience155Outlaws in Texas169Rough Riders171Wanted: The Real Urban Cowboy173Still More Hometown Heroes189Dan Blocker190The Cowboy Cook's Prayer190God's Own Cowboys193
\ From Barnes & NobleThe Barnes & Noble Review\ Get out your hairspray and cowboy boots and hop into your Cadillac -- Kinky Friedman is back to "teach the rest of the world how to act right, like we do in Texas." From bizarre Texas laws to local lore, from the Aggies to the Alamo, the Kinkster will teach you what you need to know to survive in the Lone Star State. \ When Texas' former governor took up residence in the White House, Kinky realized that the country must have some unanswered questions about the state that "gave the world the cowboy." Responding to this need, "the oldest living Jew in Texas who doesn't own any real estate" offers a guide to his homeland, which gave birth to an airport larger than the island of Manhattan; America's oldest soft drink, Dr. Pepper; and a mystifying creature known as the Texas Big Hair.\ "Texas, as most people know," says Kinky, "has lived under six flags, which can create a high degree of cultural attention deficit disorder." Texas has responded by creating a culture all its own, including laws that "require criminals to give their victims twenty-four hour notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed" and where "you can be legally married by publicly introducing a person as your husband or wife three times." From urinating outdoors ("the most sacred inalienable right of all citizens of the Lone Star State") to the history of the Alamo (upon which, incidentally, it is illegal to urinate), from touring with Willie Nelson ("There is no truth to the widely held belief that Willie needs the other two buses to carry all the weed he smokes on the first bus") to the truth behind the Yellow Rose of Texas, the Kinkster digs deep into his ten-gallon hat for more hilarious facts, tips, and jokes than you can shake a stick at. He also offers a guide to the Texan language, defining words like "catty whompus" and "larrupin," and lists Actual Quotes from Actual Texas Politicians like House Speaker Gib Lewis ("I move we recess to go outside and throw up"). And for newcomers, there is a quiz to help you decide, "Redneck, Good Old Boy, or Oilman: What Kind of Texan Are You?"\ With lists of famous celebrities from Texas (and famous Texans not from Texas), local heroes, countless cartoons by Ace Reid, "the world's greatest cowboy cartoonist," an Armadillo Fast Fact File, and more, Kinky Friedman will put a smile on your face bigger than your belt buckle. Think his Guide to Texas Etiquette will give you a hearty laugh? As they say Texas, "U-betcha." (Elise Vogel)\ \ \
