Mr. & Mrs. Happy Handbook: Everything I Know about Love and Marriage
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Ever since Eve asked Adam, "Do I look fat in this fig leaf?" it has been apparent that husbands don't know how to relate to their wives. Men believe they understand women and vice versa, but really men know as much about women as a cocker spaniel knows about assembling a Weber grill. Welcome to The Mr. & Mrs. Happy Handbook, Steve Doocy's laugh-out-loud perspective on love, marriage, and family. The book can be used for its hilarious husband and wife wisdom or, if things aren't going well, as a projectile to get somebody's attention. This is not an advice book. It is a Don't Even Think of Trying This book. The author, his family, and his collection of friends (some very famous in the worlds of entertainment, business, and politics) have already discreetly made almost every conceivable marriage mistake, and it is their hope that this irreverent manual can save you the trouble of being an idiot on your own. Doocy, co-host of Fox & Friends, who has been married for twenty consecutive years, provides real slice-of-life stories on everything from early marriage ("I love you, you're perfect, now wear this thong") and pregnancy ("You're eating for two? Who you and Shaquille O'Neal?") to sending your child to college ("Is that a funnel?") and retirement (high-fiber appetizers on Viagra dates). Most of the stories conclude with "corrections" and additional wise words from Doocy's real-life wife, Kathy, who, after two decades of picking up Steve's socks in the garage, has developed a zany sense of humor herself. There is also a handy troubleshooting section for when things go haywire, like during the eye- opening experiment undertaken especially for this book, wherein the author wanted to prove to his wife that they were perfect for each other, so he had them join an on-line dating service. Out of a database of several hundred thousand guys, he was not in her top 532 local men. Despite the fact that their one- month experiment ended a year ago, she's still getting photographs of single men whose head shots appear to have been taken at a recent skinhead convention. Luckily for him, she still prefers "bonehead to skinhead." This book is a celebration of the pageantry that is wedlock, which starts with an "I do" and sometimes ends with a boiled rabbit. Let's face it, marriage isn't always as smooth as a forty-year-old's forehead after six months of Botox. In fact, marriage is ridiculously hard, but laughing about it is now incredibly easy with The Mr. & Mrs. Happy Handbook. Library Journal Both of these tapes purport to offer marriage advice. However, Smith's program is for those seeking solid information, while the Doocy audiobook offers lighthearted entertainment. A licensed psychologist, Smith, who reads her own work, believes that truth is the main ingredient sustaining a lasting and happy marriage. Her book offers guidelines on what traditional marriage vows mean in a modern context. Couples are offered effective suggestions for how they can explore their individual interpretations concerning these promises. Tested techniques are suggested to ensure that discourse is respectful and empathetic. Anyone who wants to have a successful intimate relationship will find very useful advice here. Doocy primarily gives a humorist's view of courtship, marriage, sex, and child rearing. Harried parents of young families will recognize themselves and their situations-and laugh. Those who enjoy reading Erma Bombeck or regularly peruse Lynn Johnston's cartoons will enjoy this handbook, narrated by the author and his wife. While both of these programs are pleasurable, Smith's is essential for any selfhelp collection; Doocy's offering is a good choice for the humor section.-Kathleen Sullivan, Phoenix P.L. Copyright 2007 Reed Business Information.
Introduction 1In the Beginning... 7For His Eyes Only: Ladies, Please Skip This Passage 9My Date with Destiny: October 27, 1985 10The Wedding and the Honeymoon 19Our Wedding Day: Countdown to Cake 20George of the Wedding Jungle: W's Dos and Don'ts 25What's a Honeymoon? A History Lesson 28Adam and Steve: My Accidental Honeymoon 30Lovers and Lepers: My Honeymoon with Meg Ryan 35Honeymoon Horror Story: The Man from Glad 42Porn to Be Wild: Should You Camcorder Everything? 42A for Effort: Grading the Honeymoon 45Marriage 49You're Mr. & Mrs. Happy: Now What? 49What We Really Want: The Lowdown on Love 52I Can See Clearly Now: The End of the Honeymoon Effect 52From "I Do" to "Uh-oh": Retraining the New Hire 53Wedding Ca{dollar}her{dollar}: I Married a Cheapskate 59Love Me (Legal) Tender: Marrieds and Money 62Tastes Like Chicken: The Fear Factor 67The Edit Sweet: Honesty 70Married to the Mom: In-laws 74I Dropped When I Shopped: Gift Fatigue 79Saturday-Night Fights: How to Argue Without Gunplay 83Oh No, It's Geraldo! When There's an Age Difference 87Rules of Engagement: Married in the Military 93Gimme Shelter: Your First Home 98A Moving Experience: Relocating Your Family 101The Aliens Next Door: Your Neighbors 109Mr. Handy: Home Remodeling 114King of Pain: Should I Go to the Hospital? 120When I'm Dead, She's Rich: Wife Insurance 124Pet of the Year: Animal House 127Volun-teers of a Clown: Public Service 133Good Sports: Playing Together 139Our Marriage Is Perfect, Let's Date! An Experiment 143Kids 149Growing Your Family Tree: What Are You In For? 149Pee on the Stick: Pregnancy 152Dial M for Mother: Delivery Day 158Sorry, Tallulah's Taken: Naming the Baby 165Breast Intentions: Feeding in Public 170Fear Factor: Baby Monitoring 174Nannygate: Finding a Babysitter 180Say What? Kids Say the Darnedest Things 186Parent Trap: A Parent's Pop Quiz 190Making the Grade: Time for School 196My Boy in the Bubble: Are You Too Protective? 203Where Did We Go Wrong? Worst-Case Scenarios 208Crime and Punishment: Discipline 210The Birds, the Bees, the Carrot: Talking About Sex 216Dine and Dash: Feeding Time 221Frequent-Crier Miles: Traveling with Kids 228Almost Rubbed Out by Rudolph: Freak Accidents 232My Father the Spy, My Mother the Murderer: What Parents Do for Their Kids 239Be Prepared: Girl and Boy Scouts 244The Coach Bag: Going Out for the Team 256The Graduate: Kids and College 265Mature Topics 275Where Do I Plug This In? Appliances 275I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Wear This Thong: Do Not Attempt This at Home 276The Love Machine, by Kenmore: Mom and Dad Take a Time-out 278Porn Losers: When You See Things You Should Not 280Me Tarzan, You Neighbor: Swingers 283Troubleshooting 285Kill Him with Kindness: Desperate Housewives 285The Doctor Is In, the Parking Lot: Affairs 289When It Hits the Fan: Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford 293Mother of All Arguments: The Prenup 296Happily Ever After 303Cracking the Code: The Secret to a Long, Happy Marriage 303"Yes, Dear, Pour Me a Beer": The Longest Marriage on Earth 305Honeymooner Hall of Fame: Real-Life Success Stories 307Peggy Sue Got Married: Marrying Your High School Sweetheart 311The 4-H Club: Recipe for a Happy Marriage 315Where's the Tabasco? How to Keep Marriage Exciting 319The Not-So-Newlywed Game: Five Questions for Your Spouse 321Niagara Falls Plus Fifty: Good News: Love Lasts 322I'm Almost Out of Toner: Final Thoughts 327Author Thank-Yous and Shout-Outs 333
