In this #1 New York Times bestseller, Ellen DeGeneres shares her hilarious take on everything from our most baffling human foibles–including how we behave in elevators, airplanes, and restrooms, and why we’re so scared of the boogeyman–to fashion trends, celebrity, and her secret recipe for Ellen’s Real Frenchy French Toast. Most of all, this witty, engaging book offers insights into the mind of one of America’s most beloved comics.…Dear Reader,I was awfully excited when I was asked to write a book. I was however, nervous. I was afraid I didn’t have anything important to say. But when I began writing, I realized that although I don’t know a lot about any one thing, I know a little about a whole bunch of things: baking a pie; dancing; curing the common cold; running the Iditarod–it’s all in the book. And I realized I notice things that maybe some people don’t notice (or they don’t notice that they don’t notice). That’s all in the book, too. Publishers Weekly TV comic DeGeneres's book spent 24 weeks on PW's bestseller list. (Sept.)
Introduction to the Paperback Edition ixA Note from the Author xiThanks for No Memory 1A Letter to My Friend or A Frog in a Sombrero Does Not a Party Make 13Daily Affirmations or A Cup of Pudding a Day Is the Way to Stay O.K. 19Ellen DeGeneres: Road Warrior or Sometimes You Need a Map, Sometimes You Need a Globe, Sometimes You Need a Map and a Globe-but Not Very Often 25The Plane Truth or Dem Ain't Goobers, Dem's Peanuts! 37Ellen's New Hobby 47Ellenvision 57I Went to a Psychic or Baloney Is Just Salami with an Inferiority Complex 63How to Explain Sex to a Child or Where There's a Corn Chip, There's Bound to Be Hot Sauce 71In the Kitchen with Ellen or As Tasty as Poison and Just as Deadly 79Things That Sound Like a Good Idea at First, but Really Aren't 87Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man! or Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man! 91Chapter 13 99Chapter 14 103The Scariest Thing 107The Time Ellen DeGeneres Had an Emergency! 117One Step Closer to God or One Step Back, You Do the Hokey-Pokey and You Turn Yourself Around 125The Ellie-Gellie 133Things to Do if You'reStuck in an Elevator to Help You Pass the Time 139Ellen's Wild Kingdom or You Can Put High Heels on a Poodle, but That Won't Make It a Hooker 143Ask Ellen or It Might Look Like Honey, It Might Taste Like Honey, and Bless My Corns, It Might Even Honey 155Crazy Superstitions That Really Work! 165The Benefits of Being a Celebrity By Ellen DeGeneres, Big Enormous Star 169Your Own Fantasy Conversation with Ellen DeGeneres 175Experiments in Human Behavior 185Ellen's Sure-Fire Cures for the Things That Ail Ye 199The Last Chapter 207