No One's the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationship
A down-to-earth guide for mothers and stepmothers struggling to get along\ \ “These straight-shooting, truth-talking, soul-baring women have their priorities right: When mom and stepmom are on the same page everyone wins, most especially the kids! If more parents could do as authors Jennifer and Carol have done, our courts would be far emptier, our kids would be far healthier, and all of our futures would be brighter!”\ —Benjamin D. Garber, Ph.D., author of Keeping Kids Out of the...
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Whether you just want to create a neutral, “business” partnership with the “other woman” in your life—or actually, gulp, become friends—they show you how to reach your goal through ten powerful steps.
From the Introduction\ It’s a nasty word, bitch.\ It’s one thing if you’re standing up in the face of injustice to do the right thing—who cares if anyone thinks you’re a bitch? But being thought of as bitch in general is another thing altogether.\ No one wants that. \ And yet, here’s the setup between ex-wife and stepmother: The other woman, no matter which side you start from, is automatically a bitch. . . . \ And isn’t it irritating to know the other side is almost certainly calling you a bitch?! . . .\ We’ve figured out a way to do it otherwise. We don’t know everything, but we do know a few things. And we’d like to tell you about them.
Introduction xiiiWho We Are xiiiHow We Got Here xivOur Goal xvWhat to Expect xvWhat You Stand to Gain xviChapter 1 Survey the Landscape (And Get Your Bearings) 1Going about Your Business 1"And To Your Left..." 2A Look Back from Us 3Common Features of the Stepmom/Ex-Wife Landscape 5Maxine and Stephanie Duke It Out, from Afar 11What about the Man? 15External Influences 18United by Their Differences 21Extra Reassurance 23Resources to Explore 26As We Leave the Chapter 27Chapter 2 Own Your Own Crap (What, Me? A Dark Side?) 28Turning the Flashlight On 28A Look Back from Us 28Disowning Your Relatives 31Top Ten Reasons Not to Even Bother Trying to Get Along with the Stepmom or Ex-Wife 34Shadow Self, Up Close 35What about the Man? 43Dude, Where's My Trophy? 51Emotional Math: Payoffs vs. Costs 51Extra Reassurance 55Resources to Explore 57As We Leave the Chapter 57Chapter 3 Imagine the Benefits (Dreams Pull You Forward) 58Lighter but Stronger! 58A Look Back from Us 58A Vital Fuel 61What's in It for Me? 61Two Parallel Realities for Maxine and Stephanie 63Overview of the Specific Benefits 69What about the Man? 73Creating a New Kind of Family Structure 77Stepping Back and Assessing 80Extra Reassurance 80Resources to Explore 82As We Leave the Chapter 82Chapter 4 Take Action (Stretching, Inside and Out) 83The Difference between Sitting and Walking 83A Look Back from Us 83Things to Ponder Before You Act 85What about the Man? 93External Actions 96What You're Going to Actually Try 96Stuff to Keep in Mind Beforehand 102Signaling a Sea Change 106InviteHer for Coffee 107Extra Reassurance 111Resources to Explore 114As We Leave the Chapter 115Chapter 5 Collaborate (Lighten Your Load-and Hers) 116No Singing, Just Drenched 116A Look Back from Us 116A Closer Look at Collaboration 120Defensiveness 122The Amazing Power of "Just Talking" 125What about the Man? 127Consistent Rules between Houses 129Extra Reassurance 134Resources to Explore 137As We Leave the Chapter 138Chapter 6 Be Accountable (No One Else to Blame) 139Stay in Your Room! 139A Look Back from Us 139A Definition 144The Benefits of Being Accountable 145What Accountability Looks Like in Action 148Some Additional Challenges to Practicing Accountability 150What about the Man? 151Extra Reassurance 152Resources to Explore 154As We Leave the Chapter 154Chapter 7 Communicate (Or, Why Aren't You a Mind Reader?) 155On the One Hand 155A Look Back from Us 155Communication 101 158Consequences of Poor Communication 161What about the Man? 166Harnessing Good Communication to Increase Two-Family Harmony 167Family Meetings 169Extra Reassurance 170Resources to Explore 173As We Leave the Chapter 173Chapter 8 Regroup (Dust Off Your Pants When You Fall Down) 174A Pile of Fire Extinguishers 174A Look Back from Us 174How Many Kinds of Conflict? Let Me Count the Ways 177Help for in the Moment 178Help You Can Use Later 184What about the Man? 188Other Ideas to Try 189Extra Reassurance 190Resources to Explore 193As We Leave the Chapter 193Chapter 9 Strengthen (Bringing out the Best in the Kids) 194A Common Horizon 194A Look Back from Us 194What Might Stand in the Way 197What about the Man? 201Why Do This? 202Examine What They Need 203Figure Out How to Make It Happen 204One Last Motivator 206Extra Reassurance 206Resources to Explore 208As We Leave the Chapter 209Chapter 10 Celebrate and Acknowledge (Anytime is Springtime) 210Shaking Hands over the Fence 210A Look Back from Us 210How Far You've Come 215What about the Man? 216Putting Current Problems in Perspective 217Look for More Ways to Bond and Connect 223Extra Reassurance 224Resources to Explore 225As We Leave the Chapter (and the Book) 225Index 227Acknowledgments 235About the Authors 237
\ From the Publisher"A really interesting walkthrough; a ten-step plan that’s well thought-out and experience-based...a giant step in resolving this problem"\ - Dr. Phil McGraw, on "The Dr. Phil Show" / December 1, 2009\ \ “Bitch is a worthy, energetic workbook . . . Chatty and funny, it provides useful ideas (e.g., make small offerings) and sound how-to (e.g., greet each other when the kids swap houses).” - Library Journal\ "These straight-shooting, truth-talking, soul-baring women have their priorities right: When mom and stepmom are on the same page everyone wins, most especially the kids! If more parents could do as authors Jennifer and Carol have done, our courts would be far emptier, our kids would be far healthier and and all of our futures would be brighter!"- Benjamin D. Garber, Ph.D., www.healthyparent.com, author of Keeping Kids Out Of The Middle\ "Finally! A must-read user's guide for every woman involved in a stepmother/ex-wife relationship. With humor, insight, and unflinching honesty, Jennifer and Carol take you through the process of making one of the the trickiest relationships in our culture infinitely easier. Leave the snarking behind! This book will give you the tools to move on and glory in some newfound possibilities."—Katherine Shirek Doughtie, author of Aphrodite in Jeans: Adventure Tales about Men, Midlife, and Motherhood\ \ \
