Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids

The Price of Privilege\ How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids \ \ By Madeline Levine \ HarperCollins Publishers\ Copyright © 2007 Madeline Levine\ All right reserved.\ ISBN: 9780060595852 \ \ \ Chapter One\ The Paradox of Privilege\ \ It was 6:15 P.M. Friday when I closed the door behind my last unhappy teenage patient of the week. I slumped into my well-worn chair feeling depleted and surprisingly close to tears. The fifteen-year-old girl who had just left my office was bright, personable, highly pressured by her adoring, but frequently preoccupied, affluent parents, and very angry. She had used a razor to incise the word empty on her left forearm, showing it to me when I commented on her typical cutter disguise -- a long-sleeve T-shirt pulled halfway over her hand, with an opening torn in the cuff for her thumb. Such T-shirts are almost always worn to camouflage an array of self-mutilating behaviors: cutting with sharp instruments, piercing with safety pins, or burning with matches. I tried to imagine how intensely unhappy my young patient must have felt to cut her distress into her flesh.\ As a psychologist who has been treating unhappy teens for over twenty-five years, I wondered why this particular child left me feeling so ragged. I live and work in an upper-middle-classsuburban community with concerned, educated, and involved parents who have exceedingly high expectations for their children. In spite of parental concern and economic advantage, many of my adolescent patients suffer from readily apparent emotional disorders: addictions, anxiety disorders, depression, eating disorders, and assorted self-destructive behaviors. Others are perplexingly and persistently unhappy in ways that are more difficult to quantify easily. The fact that many of these teens are highly proficient in some areas of their lives helps mask significant impairments in others -- the straight-A student who feels too socially awkward to attend a single school dance, the captain of the basketball team who is abusive toward his mother, the svelte homecoming queen who consistently sees a "fat ugly duckling" in the mirror. While I love my work, it is also quite demanding and I usually greet the end of the day on Friday with a mixture of relief and anticipation, not sadness. Sinking further into my chair, I flipped through my appointment book, searching for clues to my emotional weariness.\ I was not surprised by the seriousness of many of my cases. After two decades of treating unhappy kids, and the publication of a couple of books on how the media influence child development, I had become a "senior" psychologist and am often referred difficult cases. I enjoy working with troubled adolescents and seem to have a knack for developing an easy rapport with them. The eating-disordered girls who are enraged by their mother's submissiveness and yet mimic it in their own self-defeating behavior. The junior high school girls with pitiable self-esteem who regularly give oral sex to boys behind the school gymnasium, while insisting that they are not sexually active -- an astonishing redefinition of sexual activity shared by most of their generation. The substance-abusing boys who attempt to ward off depression with drug use but ultimately end up in out-of-the-way places for a year or two of rehab. Many of these teenagers suffer from obvious emotional illnesses: depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, and substance abuse. Often there is a family history of depression or bipolar illness or alcoholism. These teens "look" troubled. Their grades are usually poor, their relationships volatile, and their behavior floridly risky. Their parents are terrified when they haul them in for treatment.\ But I was puzzled by the fact that an increasingly large number of my hours were filled with cases that initially seem to be rather garden-variety adolescent problems. When parents make calls to my office for these kids, there is often little sense of urgency. Some parents may have a vague sense that all is not well and ask me to "take a look" at their child. A few have discovered drug paraphernalia or perhaps an unsettling diary entry and call, hoping I will allay their fears since these same teens are doing well in school and are compliant at home. They may note that their child appears "less sunny," or seems somewhat withdrawn, but these parents don't see their children as troubled -- unhappy maybe, but not troubled. More than a few parents call not out of their own concern, but at the insistence of their teenager.\ In fact, many of these teens have a notable ability to put up a good front. Absent the usual list of suspects -- bad divorces, substance abuse, immobilizing depression, school failure, or delinquent behavior -- their parents are frequently surprised by their request to see a therapist. It would be a stretch to diagnose these kids as emotionally ill. They don't have the frazzled, disheveled look of kids who know they are in serious trouble.\ Nevertheless, they complain bitterly of being too pressured, misunderstood, anxious, angry, sad, and empty. While at first they may not appear to meet strict criteria for a clinical diagnosis, they are certainly unhappy. Most of these adolescents have great difficulty articulating the cause of their distress. There is a vagueness, both to their complaints and to the way they present themselves. They describe "being at loose ends" or "missing something inside" or "feeling unhappy for no reason." While they are aware that they lead lives of privilege, they take little pleasure from their fortunate circumstances. They lack the enthusiasm typically seen in young people.\ After a few sessions, sometimes more, the extent of distress among these teenagers becomes apparent. Scratch the surface, and many of them are, in fact, depressed, anxious, and angry. Quite a few have been able to hide self-injurious behaviors like cutting, illegal drug use, or bulimia from both their parents and their peers. While many of these teens are verbal and psychologically aware, they don't seem to know themselves very well. They lack practical skills for navigating out in the world; they can be easily frustrated or impulsive; and they have trouble anticipating the consequences of their actions. They are overly dependent on the opinions of parents, teachers, coaches, and peers and . . .\ \ \ \ \ Continues... \ \ \ \ Excerpted from The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine Copyright © 2007 by Madeline Levine. Excerpted by permission.\ All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.\ Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. \ \

America's New "At-Risk" ChildThe Paradox of Privilege     3Why Kids Who Have So Much Can Feel Empty     8Why We Can't Afford to Trivialize the Problems of Privileged Kids     12The Not-So-Hidden Mental Health Epidemic Among Privileged Youth     16The Magnitude of the Problem     18Don't Kids "Grow Out Of" Adolescent Angst?     24Don't Kids from Affluent Families Get All the Help They Need?     26The Toxic Brew of Pressure and Isolation     28Achievement Pressure     28Isolation from Parents     30Why Parents' Good Intentions Are Not Enough     33Why Money Doesn't Buy Mental Health     37Money Doesn't Make Us Happier     38Allison: How Affluence Can Get in the Way of Emotional Development     41Materialism: The Dark Side of Affluence     45The False Promises of Materialism     49Why "Retail Therapy" Is an Oxymoron     50Materialism and Unhealthy Competition     52Happiness Is an Inside Job     53How the Culture of Affluence Works Against the Development of the SelfWhat Is a Healthy "Self"?     63Kids With Healthy Selves Are Ready and Able to "Own" Their Lives     70Kids With HealthySelves Can Control Their Impulses: "I'm the Boss of Me"     75Kids With Healthy Selves Can Be Generous and Loving     81Kids With Healthy Selves Are Good Architects of Their Internal "Homes"     86Tyler's Story: Whose Life Is It Anyway?     88Knowing What Really Matters and What Doesn't     93Different Ages, Different Parenting Strategies     95The Magic Years-Ages 2 to 4     99Masters of the Universe-Ages 5 to 7     104How Am I Doing?-Ages 8 to 11     108What Happened to My Kid?-Ages 12 to 14     113Working on the "Real Me"-Ages 15 to 17     120Parenting for AutonomyHow We Connect Makes All the Difference     127Know Your Parenting Style     129Do As You're Told: The Authoritarian Parent     129Do Your Own Thing: The Permissive Parent     130We Can Work It Out: The Authoritative Parent     131Cultivate Warmth to Protect Emotional Development     132Good Warmth: Acceptance, Understanding, and Investment     133Bad Warmth: Overinvolvement, Intrusion, and Parental Neediness     136Understanding Why Praise Is Often "Bad" Warmth     141Avoid the Damage Inflicted by Criticism and Rejection      146Discipline and Control: The Tough Job of Being the "Bad Cop"     153Firmness: Being Clear About Your Authority     154Monitoring: "Do You Know Where Your Children Are?"     156Containment: Letting Your Kids Know When You Mean Business     158Flexibility: Knowing When to Skip the Showdown     159It's Easier When We Start Early (But It's Never Too Late!)     161The Difference Between Being "In Control" and Being "Controlling"     162Why You Have to Stand on Your Own Two Feet Before Your Children Can Stand on TheirsChallenges to Effective Parenting in the Culture of Affluence     169Bucking the Tide: If Everyone Is Doing It, That Doesn't Make It Right     172Holding Ourselves Accountable     174The Poison of Perfectionism     178Overcoming Myopia About the "Good Life"     182Handling the Isolation That Makes Us Vulnerable to Being Bullied     186The Threat of Divorce and the Potential Loss of "Wifestyle"     191Samantha's Story: Dancing in the Dark     194Having Everything Except What We Need Most: The Isolation of Affluent Moms     200Acknowledging How Very Hard Our Job Is     202Taking Our Problems Seriously     205The Fear of Vulnerability      207The Risks of Staying Unhappy     210Tend and Befriend: The Critical Importance of Friendships     212The Distraction of the Work Debate     215Choosing What We Can Live With     218Acknowledgments     225Notes     228Index     237

\ Chicago Tribune“She treats her subjects as well as her subject with compassion and understanding.”\ \ \ \ \ Atlanta Journal-Constitution“This book has resonated in affluent communities all over the country. [Levine is] clearly on to something.”\ \ \ Toronto Star“Her writing is warm and carefully thoughtful.”\ \ \ \ \ Book List“In this insightful book, Levine eschews the temptation to dismiss problems of privileged teens as overindulgence.”\ \ \ \ \ Marin Independent Journal“Levine’s book explores some troubling and intriguing issues that certainly are worth pondering and discussing.”\ \ \ \ \ The Gazette (Montreal)“...[an] impassioned wake-up call to parents...”\ \ \ \ \ Connecticut Post Online“Levine offers chapter after chapter of practical advice for dealing with family problems.”\ \ \ \ \ Bay Area Insider“[Madeline Levine’s] ideas may be uncomfortable for parents to read, but they’re a wonderful wake-up call.”\ \ \ \ \ Mary Pipher"Fresh and important ideas about parenting in the age of affluence…"\ \ \ \ \ Toronto Star"Her writing is warm and carefully thoughtful."\ \ \ \ \ Chicago Tribune"She treats her subjects as well as her subject with compassion and understanding."\ \ \ \ \ Connecticut Post Online"Levine offers chapter after chapter of practical advice for dealing with family problems."\ \ \ \ \ The Gazette (Montreal)"...[an] impassioned wake-up call to parents..."\ \ \ \ \ Atlanta Journal-Constitution"This book has resonated in affluent communities all over the country. [Levine is] clearly on to something."\ \ \ \ \ Book List"In this insightful book, Levine eschews the temptation to dismiss problems of privileged teens as overindulgence."\ \ \ \ \ Bay Area Insider"[Madeline Levine’s] ideas may be uncomfortable for parents to read, but they’re a wonderful wake-up call."\ \ \ \ \ Marin Independent Journal"Levine’s book explores some troubling and intriguing issues that certainly are worth pondering and discussing."\ \