Retail Hell: How I Sold My Soul to the Store: Confessions of a Tortured Sales Associate
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As the token male sales associate in the handbag department, Freeman Hall knows a thing or two about the ready-to-wear chaos. Lured by the temptation of a high-end store discount, here he unleashes some of his most absurd retail experiences at The Big Fancy-featuring everything from unruly children, shoplifters, and bitchy customers to overly demanding managers, sale insanity, and crazy corporate quotas.Speaking for every wage slave who has ever handled a bogus return, Freeman throws open the gates of Retail Hell, revealing stories from his twenty years of experience working "on the floor" in this laugh-out-loud memoir that delivers designer-brand retail therapy for salespeople and shoppers alike!The stories are all true-only the names have been changed to protect the damned. Publishers Weekly For Hall, retail was destiny, for he came from a family of retail workers, including his great-grandfather, who owned a furniture-and-appliance store in his hometown of Reno, Nev. But Hall, as he explains, had a different dream: he wanted to be a screenwriter. He didn't give up those aspirations, despite having retail jobs during his growing-up years. When he moved to California to get closer to the film industry, he looked for a job that could help him pay the bills and look fabulous at the same time. He landed a job at a department store he calls “The Big Fancy,” an upscale emporium known for its customer service. Those who've worked on the front lines of the service industry will relate to Hall's bitter memoir (and recognize the retailer as Nordstrom, where he spent 15 years as a handbag salesman). Hall's memoir chronicles wacky training exercises, sleep-inducing staff meetings and, of course, the customers. Every nutty client becomes a character, from foul-mouthed Lorraine, aka Shoposaurus Carnivoarus, to more generic Serpents and Bloodsuckers. Screenplaylike renderings of Hall's dreams pop up throughout the book, as do rants about co-workers, customers' endless capacity for lying in the service of returning obviously used items and more. Hall's voice is sharp and sometimes funny, not unlike a retail-centric Perez Hilton—but the book will leave readers wondering why Hall stayed in retail for decades if he hated it so much. (Oct.)
Introduction: Freeman's Inferno ixAct 1 The Big Fancy Underworld 1Hell in a Handbag 3Free-Spirit Personality 11Climbing Mount Fancy 17Sunshine from Satan's Ass 25The P-Word 33Angels and Demons in My Head 45Can I Interest You in a Dead Animal Hide Hobo Named Lucifer? 55Falling Down Mount Fancy 63Guns and Toilets 69I'm Not Ready to Rumble 73Polly Wants to Talk 83Big Nightmare #1 87Act 2 Sinners, Serpents, and the Craziest Crazy-Lady Customers 97Queer-Eye Handbag Guy 99Shoposaurus Carnotaurus 107Monique Jonesworthy, Nasty-Ass Thief 123Is Deescount? 133The Two Virginias 143This Little Piggy 161One Picky Bitch 165The Vampire Bavaro 173Big Nightmare #2 181Act 3 Misfire and Brimstone at The Big Fancy 193Sale Smack-Down 195Babysitting the Devil's Spawn 203Hot Stuff on Mount Fancy 209The Shitting Room 219Merry Strep Throat and a Happy New Flu 227Cock in a Box 233Full Moon Fancy 239Big Nightmare #3 247Conclusion: Satan's Superstar 253Free Gift with Purchase! Bonus SectionBranded by Numbers 259The Customer Is Always Right 263The Do's and Don'ts of Shopping 267Retail Hell Readers' Discussion Guide 271
