Sex with Kings: 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge

Sex with Kings\ 500 Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge \ \ By Herman, Eleanor \ William Morrow & Company\ ISBN: 0060585439 \ \ \ Chapter One\ Sex With The King\ When there's marriage without love,\ there will be love without marriage.\ -- Benjamin Franklin\ We picture the royal mistress as, first and foremost, a sexual creature. She has a heaving bosom, a knowing smile, eyes sparkling with desire. Ready to fling her velvet skirts above her head at a moment's notice, she offers irresistible delights to a lecherous monarch. The entreaties of his anguished family, the bishop's admonitions, his own sense of royal sin and guilt, are useless against the mistress's enticements when compared to those of the woodenly chaste queen.\ Indeed, the horrifying state of most royal marriages created the space for royal mistresses to thrive. A prince's marriage, celebrated with lavish ceremony, was usually nothing more than a personal catastrophe for the two victims kneeling at the altar. The purpose of a royal marriage was not the happiness of hus-band and wife, or good sex, or even basic compatibility. The production of princes was the sole purpose, and if the bride trailed treaties and riches in her wake, so much the better.\ Napoleon, franker than most monarchs, stated, "I want to marry a womb." And indeed most royal brides were considered to be nothing more than a walking uterus with a crown on top and skirts on the bottom.\ Disaster at the Altar\ Princesses were brought up from birth to be chaste almost to the point of frigidity, thereby ensuring legitimate heirs. While virtue could be taught, beauty could not. Ambassadors, selling the goods sight unseen to a prospective royal husband, inflated the looks of the princess with hyperbolic praise, often bringing a flattering portrait as evidence.\ In 1540 Henry VIII was duped by the portrait trick in his search for a fourth wife. He wanted to cement an alliance with France and wrote François I asking for suggestions. François graciously replied with the names and portraits of five noble ladies. But Henry was not satisfied. "By God," he said, studying the flat, unblinking faces on canvas, "I trust no one but myself. The thing touches me too near. I wish to see them and know them some time before deciding." He wanted to hold a kind of royal beauty pageant at the English-owned town of Calais on the north coast of France where he would personally select the winner after close inspection.\ The French ambassador replied acidly that perhaps Henry should sleep with all five in turn and marry the best performer. François sneeringly remarked, "It is not the custom in France to send damsels of that rank and of such noble and princely families to be passed in review as if they were hackneys [whores] for sale."\ Chastened, Henry returned to perusing portraits and decided on a Protestant alliance based on a lovely likeness of Anne of Cleves. But when the royal bridegroom met Anne he was shocked at how little resemblance there was between this hulking, pockmarked Valkyrie and the dainty, smooth-faced woman in the portrait. The king was "struck with consternation when he was shown the Queen" and had never been "so much dismayed in his life as to see a lady so far unlike what had been represented." He roared, "I see nothing in this woman as men report of her, and I marvel that wise men would make such report as they have done." He continued, "Whom shall men trust? I promise you I see no such thing as hath been shown me of her, by pictures and report. I am ashamed that men have praised her as they have done -- and I love her not!"\ Try as he might, the king could not extricate himself from the marriage to his "Flanders mare," as he dubbed Anne. The duchy of Cleves would be offended if Henry returned the goods. Two days before the wedding, Henry grumbled, "If it were not that she had come so far into my realm, and the great preparations and state that my people have made for her, and for fear of making a ruffle in the world and of driving her brother into the arms of the Emperor and the French King, I would not now marry her. But now it is too far gone, wherefore I am sorry."\ Henry went to his wedding with less grace than many of his victims had gone to their executions. On the way to the chapel, he opined to his counselors, "My lords, if it were not to satisfy the world and my realm, I would not do what I must do this day for any earthly thing."\ The wedding night was a fiasco. The morning after, when Lord Thomas Cromwell, who had arranged the wedding, nervously asked Henry how he had enjoyed his bride, the king thundered, "Surely, my lord, I liked her before not well, but now I like her much worse! She is nothing fair, and have very evil smells about her. I took her to be no maid by reason of the looseness of her breasts and other tokens, which, when I felt them, strake me so to the heart, that I had neither will nor courage to prove the rest. I can have none appetite for displeasant airs. I have left her as good a maid as I found her." The rest of the day he told everyone who would listen that "he had found her body disordered and indisposed to excite and provoke any lust in him."\ True to the double standard of the time, no one asked Anne what she thought of the king's appearance. Her royal bridegroom boasted a fifty-seven-inch waist and a festering ulcer on his leg. Anne was quickly divorced and glad to depart with her head still on her shoulders. But Lord Cromwell felt the full force of Henry's wrath in the form of an ax cleaving his neck ...\ Continues... \ \ \ \ Excerpted from Sex with Kings by Herman, Eleanor Excerpted by permission.\ All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.\ Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. \ \

AcknowledgmentsxiIntroduction11Sex with the King132Beyond the Bed--The Art of Pleasing A King333Rivals for a King's Love--The Mistress and the Queen554Cuckold to the King--The Mistress's Husband815Unceasing Vigilance--The Price of Success1036Loving Profitably--The Wages of Sin1317Political Power Between the Sheets1558Red Whores of Babylon--Public Opinion and the Mistress1719The Fruits of Sin--Royal Bastards18310Death of the King19511The End of a Brilliant Career and Beyond21112Monarchs, Mistresses, and Marriage237Notes257Bibliography271Index275

\ Barbara Wegmann"With all the suspense of a thriller… this book is simply ideal for a historical bestseller!"\ \ \ \ \ New York Times Book ReviewAn enlightening social history that is great fun to read"\ \ \ Dallas Morning News"A smart, keenly researched history written with wry wisdom."\ \ \ \ \ New York Times"Sexy, Dishy and Funny"\ \ \ \ \ Boston Globe"An irresistible book… Deliciously bawdy, outrageously entertaining… Herman’s writing sparkles off the pages."\ \ \ \ \ Entertainment Weekly"Addictively Good Dish"\ \ \ \ \ Washington Post Book World"Sex With Kings is...a lot more fun than Danielle Steel or Dan Brown."\ \ \ \ \ Booklist"Herman’s spirited history of royal "mistresshood" is certainly a catchy read.... History made as buoyant as fiction."\ \ \ \ \ Jonathan Yardley… Sex With Kings is entertaining: a beach book, and a lot more fun than Danielle Steel or Dan Brown. \ — The Washington Post\ \ \ \ \ Carol Peace RobinsOpen Sex With Kings at almost any page and you'll find yourself immersed in a bawdy, deliciously appealing illicit scene occurring in the highest places. In her first book, Herman has written an enlightening social history that is great fun to read … With obvious relish, Herman has created vivid tableaus of these worthy subjects. \ — The New York Times\ \ \ \ \ Publishers WeeklyWhen kings marry foreign strangers for dynastic or financial reasons and queens are trained in piety over sensuality, royal mistresses seem an inevitability. Kings had flings and extramarital relationships through much of European history, and in her first book, Herman offers, with relish and dry wit, a delightful overview of their sexual escapades. Her subjects are international, though France dominates and England gets a strong showing. It's a lively account, organized by topic e.g., "The Fruits of Sin-Royal Bastards." Herman weaves into a larger pattern the tales of recurrent figures, such as Louis XIV's mistress Ath na s de Montespan and Madame de Pompadour, who is perhaps more famous than her royal lover, Louis XV. Fashions, love potions and cheerful conversation kept kings enthralled while mistresses made themselves wealthy, husbands acquiesced or simmered, courtiers wooed the mistresses and the public admired or ridiculed. A striking number of these relationships continued despite arguments and even the lack of sex. George II even felt it necessary to keep a mistress for his reputation despite actually loving his wife. Herman ends on a modern note, recounting how Camilla Parker-Bowles famously introduced herself to Prince Charles by noting that her great-grandmother had been his great-great-grandfather's mistress. Herman ends on a serious note, but her wit and perceptiveness will carry readers through this royally pleasurable romp. Agent, Barbara Perlmutter. (July) Forecast: As Janet Maslin has already indicated in the New York Times, this could be the high-brow sexy beach read of the summer. And though a commoner and American-born, Herman dresses regally in her author photo. BOMC main selection. Copyright 2004 Reed Business Information.\ \ \ \ \ Kirkus ReviewsAn irreproachably researched and amusingly written history of European monarchs' jezebels. In this well-rounded study of royal mistresses past and present, newcomer Herman draws on a wealth of historical documents, letters, diaries, and ambassadorial reports-a treasure trove she mines with an intelligence that can discern between fools' gold and the genuine article. (She makes equally good use of the contemporary lampoons and verses that dot the text.) First, Herman outlines the place of the queen and the mistresses in broad context: obviously there were exceptions, but the queen was often little more than "a walking uterus with a crown on top . . . chaste almost to the point of frigidity, thereby ensuring legitimate heirs," while the ma"tresse en titre could play a much more complex role. After all, "the king could lift the skirts off almost anyone in his realm," so his chief mistress had to possess a variety of talents. She needed to be skilled in bed, of course, but she also had to calm, buoy, and encourage the king; she must have been serene, loyal, and unpretentious, with "a colorful personality, dry wit, kindness, and intelligence that attracted more than high cheekbones and full lips." (It helped if she could charm ambassadors as well.) An official mistress "exerted political influence, the influence of a loved one persuading the monarch to look at a problem from a different angle, to consider different solutions." Herman delves into the respective roles of mistresses in England, France, Belgium, Poland, Germany, and Spain, examining the impact of their milieu on how they were treated and the influence they yielded. She also explains the role of the cuckolded husband, whofrequently got a share of the goods. Today, by contrast, "the royal mistress has no political power whatsoever-as her prince has none himself."Scholarly and entertaining, written with a keen eye for the politics, but never forsaking the pleasures. (16-page color insert, not seen)Agent: S. Fischer Verlag/Krueger Verlag, Germany\ \