The Afterlife Handbook: A Travel Guide to Your Final Destination
Have a Safe Journey!\ \ You want to discover the afterlife. The place that's everywhere and nowhere, full of bliss or excruciating pain, and totally beyond our powers of comprehension. Its nature and very existence has been the object of wars, art, meditation, crucifixions, and the lighting of numerous candles since the beginning of recorded time. But how do you choose from all that it has to offer? Turn to The Afterlife Handbook. You'll find the very best and worst of the undiscovered...
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A travel guide that allows you to experience all that the afterlife has to offer--and more.
DESTINATION HELL: Sightseeing\ \ Whatever the time of year, Hell is always dark, smelly, and overcrowded. The stench of human suffering is to be felt everywhere and it can become claustrophobic, to say teh least. If you hanker for wide open spaces, picturesque landscapes, and beautiful vistas, it's tough--you should have behaved yourself when you were alive. However, there's still plenty to experience in Hell, and the choice of brutal agonies and tailor made eternal tortures are endless.\ \ This is a cruelly ugly and disfigured landscape and wonderful walking country for the damned soul who is destined to wander about in desolate places, bounded on the north by The Hill of Sisyphus, sweeping down to the Lake of Fire. Spend a few millennia here before going west again, where you are confronted by classic hellish features, a hard land of bottomless pits and bile-secreting glandular organ-eating birds of prey. Make sure to allow at least a jillion years to take in these two stops alone.\ \ If your name is not listed in the Book of Life, here are a few of the sights and sounds that you can expect . . .\ \ The Hill of Sisyphus\ Nothing quite matches the dreadful punishment of fruitless labor. You haven't truly experienced the agonizing futility of eternal toil until you have rolled a heavy stone up a steep incline--just to be forced to continuously do it again. Named after a Greek guy who infringed divine intellectual property rights. No refreshments are provided and the nearest toilet is four thousand miles away.\ \ Tityus Country\ \ If you are seeking vindication of divine justice that combines physical pain with bodily mutilation, look no further than Tityus Country, which alone justifies your stay in Hell. Legions of devils will stretch your body out over nine acres and then they will leave you to discover the uniquely fiendish ordeal of having your liver pecked out daily by a flock of vultures.\ \ Lake of Fire\ \ All the pain is a Balearic beach holiday without any of the pleasure. Swim in unquenchable fire, accompanied by all unsaved people, the fallen angels, and Satan himself. It is the epitome of conscious torment for the body and soul. Not only is it a lake of genuine burning sulphur with smoke of torment that goes up forever and ever, it is also home to billions of never-dying works. The whole experience is punctuated by the abhorrent sounds of weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. In no time at all you'll be wearing down your own enamel and we are certain you'll also shed plenty of tears. An experience not to be missed that makes Yellowstone National Park's thermal areas feel like a Jacuzzi. Arrive early to beat the lines if you want to be flayed alive.
Contents INTRODUCTION STARTING THE JOURNEY DESTINATION: HEAVEN Holy FAQ! The Seven Heavenly Virtues Meet the People Etiquette Accommodations Food and Drink Shopping Entertainment Sightseeing DESTINATION: HELL What the FAQ? The Seven Deadly Sins Meet the People Etiquette Accommodations Food and Drink Shopping Entertainment Sightseeing THE FINAL WORD ABOUT THE AUTHOR
