The Pastor's Guide to Weddings and Funerals
When the topic turns to weddings and funerals, most pastors admit to facing a variety of challenges to their ethical standards, creativity, and crisis management skills. Although experience tends to help pastors make better decisions in such sacred but uncertain circumstances, the new pastor who has little or no experience is at a decided disadvantage. This field guide was written to bridge that gap. Author Victor Lehman combines ten years of his own pastoral experience with the insights and...
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When the topic turns to weddings and funerals, most pastors admit to facing a variety of challenges to their ethical standards, creativity, and crisis management skills. Although experience tends to help pastors make better decisions in such sacred but uncertain circumstances, the new pastor who has little or no experience is at a decided disadvantage. This field guide was written to bridge that gap. Author Victor Lehman combines ten years of his own pastoral experience with the insights and observations of his colleagues in an effort to put seasoned know-how at the fingertips of ministers struggling with these new and unfamiliar challenges. The Pastor's Guide to Weddings and Funerals offers both theological perspective and practical ideas -- a combination ideal for helping pastors work through the various ethical dilemmas and major and minor crises that arise when loved ones gather to celebrate or to grieve. This hands-on manual includes helpful checklists and practical resources, including suggested songs and Scriptures, sermon outlines, and sample wedding vows, all of which will help ministers create tailor-made ceremonies and services exacted to the situation at hand. Included in this valuable volume are actual services for a variety of wedding and funeral settings. These services, along with the book's other helpful checklists and resources, are available on the Judson Press website -- www.judsonpress.com -- for you to download and customize to fit your own needs.
PrefacexviIntroductionxixThe Challenging Context of MinistryxixEthical GuidelinesxxiMinisterial Code of EthicsxxiHelpful Questions to Ask Regarding a Specific Ethical IssuexxiiEthical ApplicationxxviPart IWeddings1Wedding Ethics2Ethical Standards for Performing Ceremonies4Christian Marrying Christian4Christian Marrying Non-Christian6Non-Christian Marrying Non-Christian7The Underage or Very Young Couple8The Couple Already Intimate or Living Together9The Couple That Is Expecting a Baby11The Couple Whose In-laws Resist the Wedding12The Couple in Which One or Both Are Divorced13The Couple in Which One or Both Already Have Children14The Interracial Couple15The Interfaith Couple17Marriage of Convenience17The Couple Using a Translator18Communion in the Wedding Ceremony18When the Minister Feels "Talked into" Performing a Wedding19Returning to a Former Church to Do a Wedding20Pastoral Policy on Premarital Counseling202Planning the Wedding23Elements of the Wedding Ceremony24A Service of Worship24A Service Descriptive of the Couple24Main Ingredients and Optional Styles25The Value of a Wedding Coordinator30Wedding Settings31Church Wedding32Outdoor Wedding34Home Wedding35Private Wedding (Couple and Witnesses Only)35The Wedding Rehearsal35The Need36Who Is in Charge?36A Suggested Format36Coaching Wedding Ushers38The "Moment" Is Almost Here38Calming and Supporting the Nervous38Last-Minute Details39Coping with (and Avoiding) Wedding Bloopers39When Someone in the Wedding Party Does Not Show Up39When Someone in the Wedding Party Faints40When the Flower Girl or Ring Bearer Acts Up40When Someone Interrupts the Wedding41When a Ring Is Dropped42When a Ring Is Missing42When the Photographer Is Obnoxious43When the Candles Won't Light43When the Minister Skips a Part of the Ceremony443Wedding Resources46Introductions to the Ceremony47Formal Church Wedding48Modified Formal Church Wedding48Informal Church Wedding48Outdoor Wedding (Couple Living Together)50Home Wedding51Theme-Oriented Wedding52Opening Prayers52Thanksgiving for Love52Enduring Love53Channels of Love53Committed Love54Supportive Love54Concerned Love55Presentation of the Bride55Traditional55Contemporary56Presentation of Bride and Groom56Appropriate Ceremony Music56Congregational Praise Hymns57Congregational Praise Choruses57Relevant Scripture Passages58Old Testament Scriptures58New Testament Scriptures60Scripture Medley for Antiphonal Reading62Alternative Meaningful Paraphrases63Sermon Outlines66For the Traditional Wedding of a Christian Couple: Ephesians 5:21-3366For the God-seeking Couple: 1 Corinthians 1366For the Nominal or Non-Christian Couple: Genesis 2:18-2466Scripture Medley67Suggested Illustrations67Commitment67Triangle68Read the Directions68Vows68Traditional69Updated Traditional70Contemporary71Exchange of Rings72Traditional73Contemporary 173Contemporary 273Declaration of Marriage74Traditional74Modified Traditional74Contemporary75Prayer of Dedication75Traditional75Contemporary 176Contemporary 277Signing of the Register (Canadian Ceremonies Only)77Public Signing78Private Signing79Unity Candle Ceremony79Traditional Ceremony: Three Candles79Another Option: Four Candles81Communion81The Couple and/or Wedding Party82Entire Congregation82Introduction of the Newlywed Couple83Part IIFunerals4Funeral Ethics86A Theology of Death and Dying87The Nature of Life and Death88Death as Friend and Foe89Death Choices90Life after Death91Ethical Choices93"Doing" the Funeral94Stealing Grief95Family Secrets96Choosing a Casket97Jewelry on the Body97Memorial Gifts98Pastoral Reimbursement98Receiving Gifts99Weaning Personal Pastoral Care995Pastoral Preparation for a FuneralProviding Pastoral Care101Respond to the Death (or Dying) Immediately101Enter the Deathwatch102Help the Survivors Say Good-bye103Be Present during the First Visitation with the Body103Facilitate the Prayer Service, Wake, or Prayer Vigil104Purposes of the Funeral Service105Making It Safe for People to Grieve105Respectfully Remembering the Deceased106Ministering to the Living107Showing Respect for the Gospel and Its Truth107Helping People Face the Reality of Death and the Hope of Resurrection108Focuses for the Funeral Service108Life-Oriented108Occasion-Oriented109Scripture-Oriented110Funeral Helps Based on Spiritual Commitment111The Committed Christian111The Nominal Christian112Uncertain Spiritual Commitment112The Agnostic112The Atheist113Additional Ideas for Delicate Funerals113Death of a Young Mother or Father114Death of a Child115Death of a Newborn/Stillborn115Death of an Unborn Baby (Miscarriage)116Death by Suicide117A Violent Death118A Sudden or Accidental Death119Death after a Prolonged Illness119A Double or Multiple Death120Death Necessitating a Closed-Casket Funeral121Organizing the Funeral Service122Funeral Planning Checklist122Working with the Funeral Director123Legal Documentation124Typical Elements in a Funeral Service124Personalizing the Funeral Service125Burial of the Body, the Final Farewell127Graveside Service127Entombment in a Mausoleum129Cremation130Memorial Service Only (No Body)130Family Burial1316Funeral Service ResourcesOpening Remarks132Expected Death133Unexpected Death (Christian)133Accidental Death134Suicide135Death of Someone with Questionable Spiritual Commitment136Death of Someone with No Spiritual Commitment137Prayers of Invocation139To the God Who Provides Comfort and Strength139To the Triune God Who Restores Life139To the Lord Who Gives Eternal Hope and Life140To the God Who Strengthens140To the God Who Is Present141To the God Who Forgives142Appropriate Hymns143Praise-Oriented143Comfort-Oriented143Response-Oriented143Relevant Funeral Scriptures144Traditional Texts of Hope144Calling for God's Strength147The Comfort We Receive from God150The Strength and Peace We Have in Knowing God Personally151Scripture Medleys152Scripture with Introductory and Transitional Comments154Scripture Medley and Corresponding Prayer156Transition to the Eulogy159Special Note on Eulogies159Example of a Tribute160Pastoral Prayers of Thanksgiving161For Closeness, Community, and Comfort161For Justice and Mercy162For Quality of Life162For Finishing Well163For Release from Pain164For Strength amid Turmoil164For Meaning and Purpose in Life166Appropriate Special Music167Funeral Address Outlines167From Psalm 23167From Psalm 39:4-7168From John 14:1-7168From 1 John 1:1-9168From 1 John 1:9168Selected Scriptures: Where Is God in This?168Benedictions168The Committal Service169Announcements169Scripture Texts for Committal170Committal Service Remarks171A Committal Prayer171Committal Benedictions171AppendixesAdditional Wedding and Funeral ResourcesAuthor's Permission174AWedding Interview Guide177BProcedural Guidance and Information Sheet179CChurch Wedding Application Form182DWedding Order of Worship Planning Sheet186EWedding Service Format Checklist188FWedding Usher Job Description193GAdditional Samples of Wedding Vows194HFuneral Planning Checklist201IGeneral Funeral Details Worksheet203JFuneral Service Elements Form205Annotated Bibliography206Recommended Reading on Ministerial Ethics206Recommended Reading on Grief Counseling206Other Helpful Minister Manuals208
