X-Treme Latin: All the Latin You Need to Know for Survival in the 21st Century
In staff meetings and singles bars, on freeways and fairways, there are aggravating people lurking everywhere these days. But bestselling humorist Henry Beard has the perfect comeback for all prickly situations, offering a slew of quips your nemesis won't soon forget . . . or even understand.\ Beard's gift is his ability to make fun of popular culture and the current zeitgeist. In X-Treme Latin he provides Latin with an attitude, an indispensable phrasebook that taps the secret power of Latin...
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The master of American wit—whose books have sold more than four million copiescombined—delivers a hilarious handbook of Latin phrases for saying what's really on your mind, without any consequences. In staff meetings and singles bars, on freeways and fairways, there are aggravating people lurking everywhere these days. But bestselling humorist Henry Beard has the perfect comeback for all prickly situations, offering a slew of quips your nemesis won't soon forget . . . or even understand. Beard's gift is his ability to make fun of popular culture and the current zeitgeist. In X-Treme Latin he provides Latin with an attitude, an indispensable phrasebook that taps the secret power of Latin to deliver, in total safety, hundreds of impeccable put-downs, comebacks, and wisecracks. Within its pages you will learn how to insult or fire coworkers; blame corporate scandals on someone else; cheer at a World Wrestling Entertainment match; talk back to your computer, TV, or Game Boy; deal with your road rage; evade threatening situations; snowboard in style; talk like Tony Soprano; and much more. With dozens more zingers for quashing e-mail pranks, psyching out your golf opponent, giving backhanded compliments, and evading awkward questions, X-Treme Latin is destined for magnus popularity and will have readers cheering, Celebremus! Author Biography: Founder of National Lampoon magazine, Henry Beard is one of America's bestselling humor writers. He has written more than thirty books, including the classics Miss Piggy's Guide to Life (more than one million copies sold) and O. J.'s Legal Pad (more than 600,000 copies sold). His previous Latin laughs, Latin for All Occasions and Even More Latin for All Occasions, top 200,000 copies in print together.
Preface Praefatio pry-FAH-tih-oh\ Itís often said that Latin is a dead language Lingua Latina saepe dicitur mortua esse LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah SIGH-pay DEE-kih-tuhr MOHR-too-ah EHS-she Baloney!\ Nugas!\ NOO-gahss!\ Itís just been taking a long nap Modum iam pridem meridiatur MOH-duhm yahm PREE-dehm meh-ree-dih-AH-tuhr And itís been talking a lot in its sleep Iam diu autem multa verba facit dormiens Yahm DIH-ooh OW-tehm MOOL-tah WEHR-bah FAH-kiht DOHR-mih-ehns In fact, you canít get it to shut up Re vera, non potes eam in silentium redigere Ray WAY-rah nohn POH-tess EH-ahm ihn sih-LAYN-tih-uhm reh-DIHG-eh-reh Look aroundóLatin is all over the place, like a cheap toga CircumspiceóLingua Latina se pandit ubique tanquam toga vilis KEER-kuhm-spih-kehóLEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah say PAHN-diht ooh-BEE-kweh TAHN-kwaum TOH-gah WIH-liss Lawyers use it to screw you Iurisperiti ea utuntur ut te defraudent Yoo-riss-peh-REE-tee EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht tay deh-FROW-dehnt Doctors use it to scare you shitless Medici hac lingua utuntur ut alvum evacues ex metu MEH-dih-kee hock LEEN-gwah uh-TOON-tuhr uht AHL-wuhm ay-WAH-koo-ays eks MEH-tooh Politicians use it to hide their tracks while they rob you blind Magistratus ea utuntur ad operienda vestigia cum te despoliant Mah-gihs-TRAH-toohs EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd oh-pehr-ih-AYN-dah wehs-TEE-gih- ah kuhm tay deh-SPOH-lih-ahnt Priests use it to weasel their way out when they get caught playing hide-the-sausage with the altar boys Sacerdotes in stupro cum acolytis deprehensi ea utuntur ut se criminibus absolvent Sah-kehr-DOH-tays ihn STOOP-roh kuhm ah-koh-LEE-teese day-preh-HAYN-see EH- ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht say krih-MIHN-ih-buhss ahb-SOHL-wahnt Even garden supply stores use it to get you to buy overpriced, short-lived houseplants Etiam venditores rerum hortensium ea utuntur ad persuadendum tibi ut emas maximo pretio plantas vitae brevis EH-tih-ahm wehn-dih-TOHR-ace RAY-ruhm hohr-TAYN-sih-uhm EH-ah uh-TOON- tuhr ahd pehr-swah-DAYN-duhm TIH-bee uht EH-mahs MAHK-sih-moh PREH-tih-oh PLAHN-tahs WEE-tye BREH-wihss The fact is, for too long these dirtbags have had a monopoly on this mighty tongue Diutius quidem haec propudia monopolio huius magnifici sermonis fruuntur Dih-OO-tih-uhs KWIH-dehm hike proh-POOH-dih-ah moh-noh-POH-lih-oh HOO-eeh- uhss mahg-NIH-fih-kee sehr-MOH-nihss frooh-OON-tuhr But now, thanks to this little book, you too can tap the awsome power of Latin to dismay the ignorant multitudes Nunc vero, huius libelli gratia, tu quoque potentia reverenda linguae Latinae uti potes ad indoctum vulgus consternandum Nuhnk WAY-roh, HOO-eeh-uhss lih-BEHL-lee GRAH-tih-ah, too KWOH-kweh poh- TAYN-tih-ah reh-weh-RAYN-dah LEEN-gwigh LAH-tih-nigh OO-tee POH-tehss ahd ihn-DOHK-tuhm WUHL-guhs kohn-stehr-NAHN-duhm And best of all, youíll be able to insult and abuse one and all in perfect safety, using a language that everyone respects but practically no one understands Atque haec est optima ratio omnium: maledicere cunctis hominibus et contumeliam imponere satis impune poteris verbis augustis quae cum omnes magno aestimant, tum nemo ferme intellegit AHT-kweh hike ehst OHP-tih-mah RAH-tih-oh OHM-nih-uhm: mah-leh-DEEK-eh-reh KOONK-tees hoh-MIHN-ih-buhss eht kohn-tuh-MAY-lih-ahm ihm-POH-neh-reh SAH- tihss ihm-POO-neh poh-TEH-rihss WAYR-beese ow-GOOS-teese kwy kuhm OHM-nays MAHG-noh EYE-stih-mahnt tuhm NEH-mo FAYR-meh ihn-TEHL-leh-giht And as you pepper your speech with catapult-powered put-downs, remember the immortal words of Maximus as he signaled the attack in Pannonia Itaque cum spargis orationem tuam praepotentibus opprobriis, memento verborum immortalium quae Maximus fecit signum dans in Pannonia:\ Ih-TAH-kweh kuhm SPAHR-ghiss oh-rah-tih-OH-nehm TOO-ahm prigh-poh-TAYN- tih-buhss ohp-PROH-brih-eehs, meh-MEHN-toh wayr-BOH-ruhm ihm-mohr-TAH-lih- uhm kwigh MAHK-sih-muhss FAY-kiht SIHG-nuhm dahns ihn Pahn-NOH-nih-ah:\ Unleash hell!\ Solve lora infernis!\ SOHL-weh LOH-rah ihn-FEHR-nihss!\ And have a nice day!\ Et futue te ipsum!\ Eht FUH-too-eh tay IHP-suhm Latin Terms in Modern English Legal Latin Latin word or phrase English meaning\ Medical Latin Latin word or phrase English meaning\ Political Latin Latin word or phrase English meaning\ Ecclesiastical Latin Latin word or phrase English meaning\ Botanical Latin Latin word or phrase English meaning\ Basic Latin Pronunciation Guide Vowels a if long, as in ìblahî; if short, as in ìrub-a-dubî\ e if long, as in ìolÈî; if short as in ìfehî\ i if long, as in ì ízineî; if short as in ìzitî\ o if long, as in ìdíohî; if short as in ìnotî\ u if long, as in ìdudeî; if short as in ìwassupî\ There is really no simple way to tell if a vowel is long or short, but if the word is shortó one syllableótreat the vowel as short. The last syllable of verb endings are almost always short. If a, i, o, or u, come at the end of a word, theyíre long; if e comes at the end of a word, itís short. If a vowel is followed by two consonants, itís long. For other situations, pronuntia utrolibet modo! (wing it!)\ Dipthongs ae as in ìThaiî\ au as in ìouchî\ ei as in ìheyî\ eu as in ìhey, youî\ oe as in ìgoyî\ ui as in ìptuiî\ Consonants b, d, f, h, l, m, n, and p are the same as in English. So are k and z, which are rare in Latin anyway. j, w, and the consonant y donít exist in Latin.\ c, ch always ìk.î Thatís a KIGH-sahr salad you ordered. You want ANN-koh-veese with that?\ g, gn always ìguh.î The Romans were fighting the GUHR-mahns, not the JUR-mahns, and when they gave the signal to attack, it was a SIHG-nuhm (trumpet blast) not a SEE- nuhm (large bowl).\ i always ìyuh.î Itís thanks to YOO-lih-uhss (not JOO-lee-yuss) that we celebrate the fourth of July instead of the fourth of Quinctil.\ r you can rrroll your rís even if theyírrre the last letterrr of a worrrrd.\ s always ìsss.î The Roman fanss (not fanz) were animalss (not animalz).\ t, th always ìteh.î Teh-hey teh-rew teh-hings at eak ot-teh-her during teh-he nah-tih- oh-nahl (not nashunal) ant-hem (not anthum).\ v always ìw.î The wolcano that waporized Pompeii was Weh-SOO-wee-uhss.\ There are no silent letters in Latinóevery vowel (unless itís part of a two-syllable dipthong) and every consonant is always pronounced fully, and often separately. Of course, there are also no actual Romans around to give you the stink-eye when you mess up.\ I\ Lingua Latina Tironibus Beginning Latin\ Narratiunculaó\ A Little Story\ Puellae filiae agricolarum sunt The girls are the daughters of the farmers Puellae pulchrae sunt The girls are pretty Puellae nautas in via spectant The girls see the sailors in the street Nautae pulchri sunt The sailors are hunks Puellae nautas salutant The girls say hello to the sailors O malam fortunam! Nautae male mares sunt Too bad! The sailors are homos Nautae ad puellas digitos impudicos porrigunt The sailors give the girls the finger Puellae nautas appellant The girls call out to the sailors\ ìSperamus naviculam misellam vestram ad scopulum adlisam iri summersumî\ ìWe hope your stupid boat hits a rock and sinksî\ Puellae in forum descendere destinant et ibi mercimonium furari The girls decide to go down to the mall and shoplift some stuff Omnes paucis annis prosedae erunt In a few years they will all be hookers
X-Treme Latin I. Beginning Latin\ A Little Story Latin Aptitude Test Romulus and Remus Jokes The Legion of Superheroes T-Shirt Slogans Bumper Stickers Reality TV Hardball Talk Shows Ultimate Sports Trash Talk in the Colosseum Spring Break Country Music Favorites Chilling Out Graffiti Road Rage Air Rage Warning Labels\ II. Intermediate Latin\ Caesar's PowerPoint Presentation Top 10 Reasons to Live in the Time of the Caesars That Old-Time Religion Mob Banter New Age Discourse Hollywood Latin Sushi Bar Chitchat Computer Language Car Talk B.S.\ Small Talk during a Colonoscopy Medical Confab Homeland Security Useful Phrases for Barbarian Evildoers Game Boy Chatter Modern Vatican Latin Learned Latin for Lovers Classical Kiss-offs\ III. Advanced Latin\ Useful Syntax You Know You May Be a Roman If...\ Restaurant 'Tude Winespeak The Bestseller List Latin for Trekkies Attack Ads Business Latin Furat Emptor Jury Duty Stealth Latin Stealth Latin for Golfers Bad Latin, the Dirty Dozen
