Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men: What Every Man Wants to Know About Making Love to a Woman and Never Asks

\ \ \ \ \ Chapter One\ \ \ The Lesbian Classroom\ \ \ Introduction\     This book is about how to pleasure women. We think lesbians and heterosexual men have a lot in common right there-we all want to know how we can be better lovers of women. Lesbians bring an important perspective to men: They not only have experience making love to women, but they also live inside female bodies. They know it from the inside out.\     There are fundamental advantages to this perspective. Research has shown that lesbians have orgasms more often in partner sex than heterosexual women. Okay, men, time to step up to the plate! Most of the women who participated in our focus groups did so because they sincerely want to help men be better lovers of women. Many lesbians have been on the other side and know that a lot of men could use a helping hand.\     The women came to the groups not to divulge secrets, but to share tips and express what they've learned about making love to women. This kind of exchange is rare, and some of the ideas may be new, but they aren't really secrets per se. Otherwise they wouldn't be shared! What we found was that the real secret to being able to pleasure women is to have the space for open, courageous communication about sex.\ \ \ What's a Lesbian?\     Okay, first things first: What's a lesbian? This is actually a more complicated question than it seems. All women who love women do not fall into one neat little category. There is a wide range of experience and identities within the tribe. You can't necessarily pick themout on the street. You've probably talked to one before without knowing she was a lady-lover. There might be one in your family. Maybe you're one of those guys who fell in love with one.\     There are many variations on sexual orientation for women. Some women call themselves "lesbian"; some prefer "bisexual," "pansexual," "sexual," "queer," "gay" or simply identify themselves as lovers of women, refusing any of these labels. For ease, we will refer to all of these women as "lesbians." All of the women have had sex with other women, which we will refer to as "lesbian sex." Sexual orientation just isn't as simple as box A, B, or C anymore.\ \ \ The Lesbian World: Fantasy and Reality\ \ \ Honey, Come Closer\ Honey, there's fantasy and there's reality. The reality is that no magic potion, button, tongue swirl, strap-on, or vibrating toy takes the place of you as an attentive and caring lover. There are no shortcuts. The best way to keep any woman interested in you is to be genuinely interested in her and her pleasure!\     Why are lesbians so fascinating? In part, because most people's idea of what lesbians are is skewed. But there's also something pretty damn hot about women loving and sucking on other women. You, like most heterosexual men, find something about lesbians provocative enough that you picked up this book, and chances are, you've entertained your own version of the woman-woman fantasy. Even Howard Stern named the first chapter in his first book after lesbians, as well he should, since he spends so much airtime talking about them! He says, "Lesbianism, let's face it, is a godsend. Every man in the world is totally fascinated by those sisters of Sappho. I know I am." Well, maybe not every man in the world, but probably most of the men who will read this book.\     But Howard follows this statement with the typical male reason for digging lesbians: "To have two girls doing wild things to each other with me in the sack would be unbelievable." In the fantasy, the guy always gets to be involved in lesbian sex, but this is a far cry from reality. When two women have sex, they want to be with each other! Many men will assume women need a penis to consummate the experience. They've been watching too much bad porn. Yet that is the very thing that many men find so fascinating about lesbian sex: If there's no penis, it must be different, right?\ \ \ Learning to Sex It Up\     We've all heard the question "So what do lesbians do in bed? Do they really have sex?" Honey, please. If you've fallen into the all-too-common trap of thinking that sex equals a penis-in-a-vagina, read on. Without the standard heterosexual roles, lesbians have a wide-open road to create whatever roles and whatever kinds of sex they want. That is a big part of why lesbian sex is so hot.\     Sex is learned. Our values and beliefs about sex, how we perform sex and experience our sexuality, are all learned behaviors and ideas. We don't come into the world thinking women should achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration, that anal sex is disgusting, that oral sex is the ultimate, that big dicks are better, that abortion is wrong, that lesbians are really hot or really gross, that our bodies are desirable or not. We get messages from our cultures that tell us these things, feed our ideas about sexuality, and teach us what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior.\     Lesbians learn about sex differently from heterosexual men or women because of the wider range of roles, because of homophobia, and because it's just a different ball o' wax. While growing up some lesbians learn that being lesbian is wrong or sinful, while others learn to celebrate their sexuality from the get-go. These early messages will clearly have a big impact on how a lesbian experiences her love for women as she gets older. At the same time, some bisexual women learn that they must choose between heterosexuality and gayness, that they are traitors (to both communities), or that they have the best of all worlds and are allowed to choose partners as they wish with no guilt. Each lesbian or bisexual woman will have her own twist, since all lesbians do not learn in the same way any more than all heterosexual men, women, gay men, Muslims, or kids who grow up in Ohio do.\ \ \ The Lesbian Intervention\ There are many things about sex and relationships that my partners, friends, and family just didn't or couldn't teach me. In some cases, what they did teach was more damaging than helpful.\     -Doug, 28, Baltimore\     Okay, there is a lot of confusion out there. Men and women need an outside group to help them build a bridge-to jump-start that frank dialogue. Lesbians are in a unique and somewhat objective position to teach men about pleasing a woman sexually, emotionally, and intimately. Not only are lesbians outside the quagmire of the heterosexual battleground; they have neither the desire nor the need to pander to and humor men. So they can give straight-up advice.\ I learned more about sex from my first lesbian lover than I did from any of my other partners. Seems like there's plenty to learn from lesbians for both men and women.\     -Fina, 52, Charlottesville, Virginia\     We know there is much you can learn from women's intimate approaches to other women. Obviously you think so too, or you wouldn't have picked up this book. If it was a gift and you're reading it out of obligation or with skepticism, that's good. Keep reading-we promise you'll learn something.\     One heterosexual woman who received our survey wrote back, totally horrified by the whole idea: "What do lesbians think they can teach men about how to have sex with women?" The question is more aptly put: What can't lesbians teach men about sex with women? The implication is that lesbians don't have penises, so how can they teach men to fuck?\     Well, that's a common misconception and a perfect illustration of what this book is about. Or isn't about. This book, as crazy as the whole idea may seem, won't be focusing on penises. At least, it will talk about the penis in a whole new way, and you might actually find it refreshing.\     One guy wrote to share the story of his sexual initiation. We felt it was so poignant and knew that many men would relate to it. If you still aren't sure why we wrote this book, the following story may help explain. When I think about how I felt about sex when I was growing up, I remember never knowing what it really was about. I knew what it was, but I had no idea how to do it. I had friends who talked about it all the time, and I remember lying and saying that I had done it too. The first time I had the chance to do it was when I was sixteen. She was a virgin at that time too.\ I was so worked up about the whole thing that when we were finally going to have sex, I couldn't even get it up. She wasn't worried about it, but at the time I thought I looked like the biggest idiot. She just wanted to be with me.\     I never called her or talked to her again after that day until I was 20. She called lots of times and even wanted me to go to her prom. I put up a wall around me because of that incident. I was so afraid to get naked with a girl after that, and it destroyed my self-esteem. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I even went to a doctor to find out if there was. It just turned out that I was so worried about impressing this girl with some big dick like all the stories I'd heard from so many friends that I couldn't do it.\     I had no conception that a girl could like me for who I am. I thought I had to be some tough guy who knew how to use his tool. If I had had someone to tell me how to have sex and even given me condoms to use, that would have changed my life.\     -Bryan, 23, Pensacola, Florida\     Had this young man known that, with or without a hard-on, he could please his lover in myriad ways so that both of them could walk away gleefully satisfied, his sexual learning would have been altered dramatically. Had someone explained that if he hung in there and tried other activities, focusing on his partner for a while, exploring her body and not worrying about his dick, he probably would have gotten a rise from the great turn-on of her arousal. If someone had told him what great sexual tools his brain, mouth, and hands are, he might have been a changed youth. But most of us don't get taught about sex like that. In fact, most men walk around for years and sometimes their whole lives with the social and cultural pressure to know exactly what to do when they "get in a girl's pants" and to be a big-dicked dynamo when it happens. But how can you know if you've never been taught?\     This book focuses on lesbian and bisexual women who celebrate, embrace, and want to share their sexuality. They are sharing with you great gifts of their culture. Accept the gift, sit back, and read to your body and mind's content. Allow it to take your learned ideas and sex practices to another place and give you a new way of looking at sexuality, women, and your own sexual person. We hope the book is helpful. It is a privilege for you to get to peer into the sexual lives of this group of women, and when you are finished, maybe you'll appreciate lesbians in a whole new way.\     Welcome to the lesbian classroom. Open your mind, pay attention, and take detailed notes. Get ready to be broken down and built back up with love and an occasional kick in the pants. You're going to learn a lot more than how to go down on a woman. You're also going to learn to communicate and see the female body in a refreshing new way. If you improve the way you think about sex, you change the way you perform it. You're going to be a better man for it!\     Okay, let's get to it.

Acknowledgmentsix Prefacexi The Lesbian Classroom1 First Things First: The Whole Woman9 More Than Lip Service11 Opening Up22 How Women Work27 Her Genitals: Learn 'Em, Love 'Em29 Goin' with Her Flow41 Orgasm: Be Loud, Be Proud47 It's All Play63 Foreplay? Honey, It's All Play!65 Tune In to Her Senses67 Kissing: Make Out or Break Out75 What's Best for Breasts92 Masturbation: Not So-lo!99 Sapphic Arts109 Massage111 Finger Love: Becoming a Digital Master121 The Lowdown on Going Down131 The Ins and Outs149 Another Course inIntercourse151 Ass-istance for Two167 Expanding the Horizons179 Boys and Their Toys181 Hand Love200 What's the Kink?214 Roadblocks225 Detours226 Heading for the Wild Frontier241 The New Man243 Saddle Up258 Resources263

\ Library JournalReversing the formula of Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman's Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man (HarperCollins, 1997), Goddard and Brungardt do the job even better. Let's face it: straight men find lesbianism intriguing, and this extremely helpful manual will appeal to their erotic curiosity as well as their desire to please women partners. Goddard, a sexuality educator, and Brungardt, a health journalist, tackle the basics of female sexual response, kissing, breast play, "finger love" and "hand love," oral sex, and "ins and outs"--plus sex toys, S & M, body-image issues, birth control, and sexual abuse. The book is well written, comprehensive, and lighthearted, incorporating good advice about communication and safer sex. Unfortunately, there are no illustrations to help with geography "down there" or with sexual techniques. Felice Newman's The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (LJ 1/00) is similarly recommended for men and larger public libraries.--Martha Cornog, Philadelphia, PA Copyright 2000 Cahners Business Information.\\\ \ \ \ \ Jennifer Baumgardner...okay, I'm sold. Bring on the Sapphic sex secrets!...Picture this: Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men (a book that he wouldn't buy but you wish he'd read) wrapped under the tree along with the red satin teddy he bought for you. It wouldn't be greater understanding between the sexes, but it would be equality. \ —Nerve.Com\ \