Hot Chicks with Douchebags
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Greasy foreheads. Spiky frosted hair. Oiled-up faces dripping with Tag Body Shot spray. Armani Exchange T-shirts and rank cologne wafting off their backs like fetid pollen clouds as they pump their fists and attempt to grind into any hotties nearby. Young beauties oblivious to the hulking monstrosity clutching at their butts like snapping turtles on Red Bull. From sea to douchey sea, ours is a culture plagued by this festering blight. By the dark forces of über-douchebaggery. How did this happen? What can we do to confront the douchebag/hottie plague that rots our collective souls like boils sent by a wrathful and angry God? And how can you recover if you or your loved one is 'bag? Now, for the first time, there is an answer to those questions that haunt our collective will and sap our culture of any claim to societal advance: Why hottie/douchebaggery? Why now? And why are douche-faces so silly? In this book we dissect, analyze, contemplate and mock the rank douchescrotes that pollute our country's hottie supply on a daily basis. Every branch of the douche-tree will be examined. Every corner of our cultural rot will be exposed. And if we can lust after their hotties along the way, then all the better.
The Hemorrhoid 1Introduction: Confronting the Douchebag Plague 2A Brief History of Douche 7HoHos and Night Train: My Moment of Douche-Clarity 11A History of Douchebaggery: From Douche Antiquity to Douche Modernity 19The Tragic Tale of Prince Grieco and Fair Maiden Bleeth 35The Stages, Permutations, and Scrotey Manifestations of Modern Douchebaggery 45Am I a Douche? Nine Telltale Signs You're Turning Douchenese, I Really Think So 49Am I Dating a Douche? The Categories of Modern Douchebaggery 65Tagging the 'Baglings: How to Spot Stage-1 Scrotery 127The Stage-4 Uberbag: When Douchebaggery Kills 141The Four Stages of Bleeth 157The Road to Recovery 167The Twelve Steps of De-Douchification: How to Purge the 'Bag Within 171Heart of Doucheness 197Afterword: Richard Grieco Passes on This 217Acknowledgments: Special Thanks 218Glossary of Terms 221Photo Credits 227About the Author 229
